Happy VDay – I have a concussion

Photo Credit Erin Nicole Metcalf

Happy Valentines Day!

Part of getting better has been deep cleaning our home, as depression robs the desire to do more than the basics for me, so I have a long list of those bullshit cleaning tasks like cleaning baseboards and the darkest corners of the kitchen. A huge one was cleaning and mopping the kitchen floor. Which I did! To celebrate that accomplishment, I moved too fast, my feet slid out from under me, and I went full speed into the wall. My skull met the beautiful wooden door frame, and I now have my first concussion.

Don’t tell anyone I’m posting. I’m supposed to be “resting my brain.”

I’m resting, I swear. Kinda.


Asking the goddamn impossible.

Though my brain is starting to feel like it’s on fire again, so this post is going to be short. Don’t want it to be short because holy fuck do I have words about what is happening in the world, but oh yeah, this hurts.

I’m pushing through my concussion kitty-ness to be sweet to my loves. Y’all know who you are and y’all know I love you today and every day. <3

No really, I got married dressed as a rainbow unicorn. LIKE A BOSS

To My Partner-In-Everything, XVO, I pick you. I choose this life. Each and every day. Life has been impossibly cruel; life has pushed every painful button, life has tested us in ways that are unimaginable to most others. We’re still here, though; we’ve made it through tests that I wouldn’t have made it through with anyone else.

I still look over and think you’re the sexiest human alive as you pick your nose. You’re just as enticing, fascinating, and breathtaking as you were all those years ago at the bridge. When you climbed my balcony and gave me That Grin.

No one else understands me as you do, and I couldn’t – wouldn’t – be able to be this unabashedly, shamelessly me, in any other life. I love you. So much.

To everyone who reads this post, I adore you. Even the folks who are reading this to mock. I adore each and every person who takes the time to read my words. Happy Valentines Day to all of you.

Now celebrate with some self-love, for Valentine’s Day needs masturbation as part of the celebrations.


Product Highlight: Fun Factory Stronic Eins

Overall, I do not review sex toys. There are so many brilliant bloggers who have every side and aspect of toy reviewing covered – I don’t feel that my voice is desperately needed in those conversations. That being said, after a dozen years in sex toy retail and marketing, I will always have an evangelical love of these products. So, this is not a traditional review. This is me geeking out and loving this product – as well as the company that was wonderful enough to send it to me – Vibrant.


While I was on my extended hiatus it was impossible for me to disengage from the wonderful world of sexual products completely, I’ve been thrilled to see that body safe and well-made products have moved to the forefront of bloggers, consumers and manufacturers priorities. I’ve been thrilled to see products hit the market beyond the basics. I’ve been very interested in checking out this product, Fun Factory’s Stronic Enis, especially. We’re all well versed on my deep love of deep and powerful vibration, the idea of deep thrusting action had captured my imagination. Even if it didn’t completely do it for me – I had kept an eye out for a chance that an Enis could appear on my doorstep. Vibrant stepped up to make my dream come true!


This picture turns me on

Sex Blogger Failure on my part – I did not photograph the unboxing – and I really should have because even the shipping packaging was elegant. (So elegant I needed to email them to express my appreciation.) Vibrant’s shipping was completely discrete; then you opened the box to find the products well packed with tissue paper wrapping with a Vibrant sticker keeping the paper together. So, should you start to open your box of treasures and suddenly there are prying eyes? The extra step of discretion. This extra step shows how much the folks at Vibrant care about the products they are shipping and your privacy once you receive your order. Did shipping and packaging deserve a full paragraph here? Yes.

Did shipping and packaging deserve a full paragraph here? Yes.


Those steps of extra care and respect are everything to me. You can now get quality products at many beautiful places, these additional steps of care and respect? That adds to my brand loyalty before I even get to excitedly open my beautiful new product.

As you’ll see, this pillow is incredibly important to me. Also, I remembered that pictures were part of this job. Oops.

I’ve always loved Fun Factory’s packaging. Working sex toy retail they were one of my favorite brands to merchandise because they stood out from what was the standard at the time (’04ish) all porn models, all the time. Fun Factory’s packaging invites the user in..

Simple. Fun. Easy to slide open – which is a huge benefit for those of us who have trouble with pain, shaking, or range of motion with our hands. From there it is all laid out – fun instruction manual, Stronic Eins itself, and adorable red USB charger. Overall the box is sturdy enough to use for storage, something else that is rather important to me as a consumer.

Out of the box and in my hands, I’m already happy. Nothing about it feels cheap; it has a reasonable heft that I enjoy. If I spend a fair amount of money on a product, I want it to feel sturdy right out of the box, and this gives me that sensation. (Note: I’ve held tens of thousands of sex toys in my lifetime, at this point I have an extra sense of quality from the first touch. You may not care about this nearly as much.)

The silicone end of the toy feels, smells and tastes as it should as body safe silicone. (Yes, I said tastes. I licked the top before using as I’ve had tongue tingling or numbness from faux “silicone” product.) There are no rough seams, nowhere does it feel that the silicone has any imperfections that will catch or pull painfully when used internally.

I love how sleek this looks while still having a touch of texture.

My Stronic Eins arrived with a full charge that lasted through a good 30 minutes of my playing around with the buttons, patterns, thrusting action before any sexual use. I will admit that I did not put the Eins through its paces. Pain levels and life only allowed for a few sessions, enough for me to feel comfortable putting my name on a positive review and recommending it to friends. This new configuration of my life does not allow for anywhere near enough masturbation time, another reason I am not a Professional Reviewer.

In use? At first, I giggled a bit as I found the intensity level I wanted to start with and the Eins looked like it was thrusting its way towards my vulva as if it couldn’t wait to dive in. (No worries Eins, lots of folks feel that way too.) As a mainly clitoral stimulation person, that’s where we started out. Sensitivity to my clitoris and outer labia has returned from the #OrgasmQuest days, using the tip on my clitoral hood was a sensation I’d not had from a sex toy before and gave me a surprisingly quick orgasm off the bat. (Remember: my baseline is that of being easily orgasmic, which is where my body is now.)

If I bless something with my rainbows, you know I mean it

Internally, in concert with the Sutil water-based body glide that feels on the thicker side of water-based lubes, the Stronic Eins is fun. It’s the first product with patterned stimulation that didn’t make me furious. Though some were more odd twitch and others were “Oh, hey, yeah – that’s…yeah..okay..we can work with this..” before working me towards an orgasm. Towards, but without external clitoral stimulation, I was unable to hit orgasmic. Now? You pair the Eins with a flipping Rechargeable Magic Wand?

My eyes started rolling back in my head from memory alone.

Yes, Let’s talk about sex, please. Also – adorable lube!

Yes! Let’s talk about sex. Thank You Vibrant Sticker! Mainly – who should pick up a Stronic Eins and who should probably keep shopping.

Plenty of my #BlogSquad friends had negative feels about this product; I do not. Certainly isn’t for everyone, but very few toys reach that kind of quality of design *cough* Pure Wand *cough* that almost everyone finds pleasure with the product. This is an investment in pleasure product in my mind, something that I’d show to experienced sex toy and vibrator connoisseur. Someone who is looking for something different regarding internal stimulation, someone who has a G-Spot that is easy to hit and enjoys repeated pressure as much as or over vibration. Someone who enjoys the patterned stimulation, or is at least open to giving the pattern a try.

You might want to keep shopping if you’re someone who is just starting their collection and do not have something for extra external vibration/stimulation. If a luxe product is beyond your budget or this is your first luxe sex toy because people’s responses with the Eins is so varied. I want you to get all the bang for your buck.

Quick Wrap-Up: The Stronic Eins is waterproof, rechargeable with a click charge and USB cord, offers a pulsing, thrusting sensation instead of vibration, is made of body safe silicone, easy to clean with a warm washcloth and mild soap, and is a sex toy that both amuses and pleasures me. Vibrant has a beautiful and easy to comprehend run down of the features on their beautifully designed site.

Thank you to my loves at Vibrant for sending me this wonderful toy that will be a regular part of my personal sex life. You’ll be hearing a lot more about this new company from me from here on out.





Holy Shit This is Personal

I’ve been posting again, as you’ve probably noticed. Trying to get my words back, trying to get back into the particular personal mindset that used to be so natural to me as a Professional Oversharer. It’s hard. It’s so much harder than I thought. To be fully and painfully honest – I’ve been utterly unreliable with writing. For a bit, flat out cannot do it. My mind says “Of course you can write that – it’s a blog post you could do in your sleep.” Which is mostly true, my experience with writing simple blog posts is so vast I should and could do basics in my sleep.

The problem is that when I start to get into sex blogging – reviewing, writing out basic tips and tricks, talking about my sexuality – PTSD kicks my ass. As I type, my brain goes “Are these words going to end up in court again? Is this the review that is entered into evidence of you being unfit? How will this be used against me?” 

By the time my brain hits that last line, I’m sobbing at my computer until I close it and then put my head on it to cry more. (I didn’t use to be a crier, but the last two years have changed me so much.) It’s hard to face that one of the things you love most, that a skill and tool that used to be so healing and freeing now fills me with pain, dread, fear and panic.

My loves at Vibrant – a new company that I am so in love with and so euphoric to support alongside the other folks who are Doing It Right – have been beyond kind and patient with me. I’ve been writing a very simple product highlight for almost two weeks. Taking so long because I have to stop and cry. Stop and calm the panic down. Stop and remind myself where I am in my timeline. That it is okay, I can do this again, that period is over.

You can be you again. You can be opinionated and openly sexual. You can write and share and be vulnerable again.

The next tab over is the Product Highlight that’s done, editing it now, crying. Writing this stream of conscious post about how scared and panicked I am is somehow far less scary. Putting up this picture of me crying, because I want to be vulnerable and soft online again – is far less scary. The last two years hurt me, but I am going to push through and get this back. Because I need this. I need to be able to do and write posts, reviews, sexuality rants. That is all part of my core now.

Just gotta cry it out first.

Crying Crista, being vulnerable again

Getting better is really hard. Really, Really Hard.

Microblogging: Ohmygosh #OrgasmQuest

#OrgasmQuest, the viral media blitz, ended two years ago, but randomly I will discover coverage of it from around the world that I missed during the madness that was experiencing worldwide media coverage.

“The struggling Internet orgasm of a depressed woman” (So google translate says, I fear I do not speak Hungarian)

The coverage read to be really positive of Quest, which makes my heart happy even two years later. Thank you Velve.hu and the person who clicked to the site this morning – my night just became brighter.

#Orgasmquest shirt on for the first time!

The first time I put on my @SheVibe #OrgasmQuest superhero shirt


Y’all, I am the most adorable rainbow today – of Fury

This post has been reprinted over at YourTango as “Shaming Someone For Sexual Dysfunction Is NEVER OK & you should also check that article out cause it’s nifty.

It’s 6:30 am & I am already the most adorable rainbow.

Oh, hi. – BTW I’m using my rainbow-hued Crista Anne site again. We’ll see what it turns into as I work off the rust after a few years “off.” My plan is to follow where my words take me, as that’s what has always lead to my best work. So yes, I missed all of you lots, and after two years of biting my tongue on soooooo many topics? I’ve got a lot to say. First, though, self-care in the form of a short black hoodie dress, knee high Rainbow Dash socks, and rainbow fingerless gloves. Today will require all my rainbow revolutionary powers, so obviously – I’m dressed obnoxiously.

There are so many more rainbows I couldn’t get in this picture.

You also need to know that my puppy is the cutest. Yes, puppy. He’s only 4.5 months old.

That pile of sleeping fluff on my couch is Zuri, our Great Pyrenees pup who joined the family about a month ago. He’s the sweetest, but there are challenges when he’s both so big and so small. He stumbles a lot and oh the puppy teeth. The great upside is that he is the sweetest dog you could ask for with the kids and us – but he’s also a Great Fucking Pyrenees and will eat the face off anyone who gets near us without our consent. Full grown he can take on a goddamn grizzly.

Yes, that he’s a guard dog played a role in picking him. My sense of safety at this point is nil, but I’m personally not comfortable with guns in my house – so we’ll have a 200ish pound face eating fluff ball and my dual wielding njoy Elevens for protection. I feel this is a solid plan.

Let’s go back to the Rainbow Revolutionary bit now.

Today is a wonderfully busy day for me, and I’ve decided to write these posts off the cuff – going back to my LiveJournal roots. Friends, cleaning, meetings, and a ton of Woodhull Proposal Work Because Proposals are due today.

Deadline Extended!

(I’m in the super last minute camp too with one, you’re not alone #BlogSquad. Also feel free to message me for help if needed!”)

Going forward there is something that I want to make very clear about my site, my writing and on a very basic level where I am right now – Politics & Sexual Freedom are so intertwined I cannot talk about one without the other. This combination may lose me readers, but this site has been Instagram re-posts for at least 18 months. I’m not too worried about it.

Every day since Nov 8th, I’ve felt like Picard as I either sit down at my desk or picked up my phone, before looking thinking “Damage Report.”

Picard gets me

My pre-coffee self then fell into the abyss of this article. Potential side effects of the drug Trump reportedly takes for hair loss” After reading I needed two cups of coffee and more eyeliner to deal with my response. Now, I’m late on this as it was posted two days ago and is currently the most read story on WaPo, but I have feelings about this.

As a rule, I’m very over hearing people diagnose Trump/wave mental health diagnosis around wildly. Keyboard shrinks need to take a step back cause it’s getting ableist all over and mental illness isn’t a joke nor are the conditions something that anyone but his mental health professionals known. I’ve mental illness; I’m not trying to nuke society for my financial gain. So, I braced myself before reading. This article is written by a Urologist, and he is covering the side effects of a medication that Tr*mp’s MDs have said he takes. Okay. Slightly less bad.

Until I read it and wanted to chain smoke till I had black lung because it made me splittingly furious. The side effects that are so vital for the public to know?

The constellation of potential symptoms, sometimes referred to as post-finasteride syndrome, may include sexual, physical and psychological changes. Of these, the sexual side effects are perhaps the most extensively reported. In fact, in 2012, the Food and Drug Administration announced a label change for Propecia and Proscar, requiring the manufacturer to warn that the medication may be associated with “libido disorders, ejaculation disorders, and orgasm disorders that continued after discontinuation of the drug.”

But Crista, this is taking sexual side effects from medication seriously?! Why U Mad?

Here’s why…

But in speaking to my patients, I have come to realize how often men are not aware of the potentially life-changing and irreversible side effects that may be associated with these medications.

The side effects are being taken seriously because they are happening to men/people with penises. Like the male birth control shut down…which we cannot get me started on cause I’ll scream for days. They are being taken seriously, spoken and warned about – because they happen to people with penises. We don’t have these articles about what happens to uterus owners when we take a whole host of drugs that fuck our libido and desire seven ways to Sunday.

(Ahem: Unless someone “live tweets” her masturbation. Then some attention got paid. That was two years ago, though..)

What pisses me off even more, though? This story is only the most read story because it implies/shames Tr*mp for possibly having sexual dysfunction(s) from his medication. 

I firmly believe that he is an Illegitimate President, I strongly believe he is a white supremacist, I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. I #Resist his actions, beliefs, bans, walls and hatred.

That doesn’t make sexual shaming okay. This one step removed mockery is under my skin because the response to any pushback is that anything that upsets him is good and on twitter a lot of “Why so srs.”

I’m so Srs because sexual dysfunction/sexual side effects and the stigma around them are deadly. That stigma has a body count.

So my political reporter friends? I beg you. Focus on how incompetent he is in the West Wing, or concentrate on the illegal sexual assaults he loves to brag about. If you can’t help yourself, a line or two on how women/people with vulvas & uteruses also experience life-altering sexual side effects from medications would be a huge step forward.

It would also stop me from making anguished rainbow faces. No one likes those.

Anguished Rainbow

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More of my angry feminist ranting will be living over here at Ethical Misandry

It’s a thing