How well I keep up with all things internet is the very best meter of how my mental health is doing. When I’m posting to facebook a ton but nowhere else, I’ve ignored my inbox till there are thousands of unread emails and haven’t been able to blog in weeks – I’m really struggling.
When I’ve only maybe 150 unread emails and randomly posting on twitter – I’m handing life pretty okay.
When I’m on social media reliably and posting here – I’m fucking fabulous.
I mean, my life might be falling apart. We’re playing life at an absurdly high difficulty setting with two people with chronic pain conditions, an often changing number of children from 1 to 4 in the house, and only one reliable income. Then we both make room to continue to be people in our own right in an open relationship. The configuration of life is constantly influx, something I overall do enjoy, but is very often soul crushingly hard.
Today has been vast. Endless. Far too many up and downs for my liking. The clock says 8:48pm, but I swear it’s 1 or 2am. We had all four kids for most of the day, all on different wavelengths, requiring an exhausting amount of my emotional energy. My boys worked together consistently, starting with a cookie caper that was wildly successful for them and ending with making their first fort/hiding spot together. The older two were on opposite ends; one was testing all of the limits so the other was trying to be as “good” as possible. Now it’s a long game of whack-a-mole as they each take turns popping out of bed.
Samuel L Jackson reading Go The Fuck To Sleep now speaks to me on a spiritual level.
Anyway, there are no unread emails in my inbox, I’m keeping up with messages and had a few very positive interactions with friends. I may have a migraine, riding this wave of inexplicable hormones, and be completely Done with being a parent (That capital D was very necessary.) but I’m okay with sharing my reality. Back to spending a good deal of my time with a lot of incredibly enjoyable people, regularly having chances to add my voice to the community.
I feel open, I feel like a person again. Not a Mom-bot, not frayed rope, hot mess or depressed shell.
It’s really nice.