I Have Better Things To Do Than Survive

I cut my nails short.

cut my nails short

A fork ring also, for when I am out of spoons.

It’s a symbolic gesture to myself, one that serves to remind me to take care of myself while preparing for what’s to come. My fingernails have always grown long, strong and have been one of my vanity loves about myself, but I need them short right now.

Right now I am fighting with all of my everything not to fall down a deep depressive hole even though all the usual suspects are present. Loss, grief, stress, anxiety that reaches the moon, feeling and being out of control of my life. Having life move and change far too quickly for me to adapt to. Living with very strong trauma reminders (not triggers exactly, but reminders) and it would be so incredibly easy to just free fall to the bottom of that dark pit and sleep.

I don’t want that to happen though. Life is fucking terrifying, but right now it’s pretty terrifying for everyone I know. Taking a step back from the usual subjects of a depressive episode and pretending for at least a few minutes that there is a different American President, there is so much good in my life and possible in my life right now.

Val and I are back together and happy. I’m finding the ability to write again. The kids are all doing well and turning into lovely little people. Poly life is interesting. The world can change in a way that works better for me than how it has operated for a long time. I am closer to the life that I want than I have been in a very long time.

I “just” have to keep myself from falling down that hole, from self-sabotage (my depressive acting out of choice), from getting too deep into an anxiety hole. (Totally different than a depressive one for me, just as hard if not harder to get out of.) “Just” have to keep myself making steps forward and I can get to a level of okay that has been unfathomable until recently.

What the fuck does this have to do with my nails?

My nails are short and polished so that if I do fall down those holes, or if I start to slide, I don’t tear them off climbing back up. They are short and strong, they can grab hold, they can scratch and dig if needed. Chips in polish are little signs where I was fighting back. Scrubbing a floor, building lego sets, typing hard enough I should fear to break my keyboard.

So if – let’s be honest – when I do fall into a hole, one less part of me will be bloody and broken.

Aside

2017 is a Swan Dive

I don’t know how to do this anymore. Don’t know how to be me. Hell, who I am.

What this site should be.

Everything? Random? Some me? As much of myself as I can let out?

How do I do this from here? This spot. This moment in time as much as this moment in my life.

How am I safer? Is there even a safer to strive for? Will it make any difference? How can it be safe to exist as I know again?

I can’t stop.

I can’t stop who I am, but I’ve been frozen. Paralyzed by the weight of it all. Processing, continuous processing but from the same frozen place. Everything in me wants, needs to move forward but how. How? What’s the best way if there isn’t a right way?

No one can answer this for me, but I cannot stand to stay still.

In the end, 2017 is a swan dive. “I’m gonna do my best swan dive into shark infested waters. Gonna take out my tampon and start splashing around.”

Gonna get my feet wet
until I drown

The End of The Madness – Not the Post I Want to Write

I think everyone knows that there are no winners when it comes to custody cases. Especially once it completely hits the court system, no one wins. There are only degrees of losses.

That being said, we lost in a profound way. Dramatic reduction in time with us.

Can’t really say more for a wide variety of reasons.

I’ve put the news out there with updates on Facebook and Twitter, but it’s taken me until now to be able to post it. The loss across the board is mostly unfathomable. Making words is hard. It’s just, I don’t have words. So, I take the easy way out and past in an FB status from yesterday.

I know that no one expects us to be okay right now, but I loathe how not okay I am. Functional, not rocking at the end of the bed, but holy shit – that’s where I want to be. That sounds great, getting into bed and not leaving for a few years.

Something I’m pretty positive I talked about in ‪#‎sfsmonster‬ was that with this anti-depressant that works for me, living without suicidal ideation is sometimes a hard and foreign. My brain has done a 180 on that, now adamant that I have to keep going, and it is jarring.

Right now I am stuck in a drive state but massively flaring anxiety keeps me on the edge of paralyzed. Thus, I’m fending off panic attacks left and right. I can take care of myself and the people who depend on me, I can get dressed and take care of the house. The dishes haven’t been left behind, the house isn’t a wreck (minus the playroom, that’s a disaster but fuckit), I got the trash out. All things that I’d be completely incapable of right now if not for medication.

I know I have to keep going, I know what to do to keep going, but anxiety right now keeps me semi paralysed. I even know that is okay, I’m actually doing a great job. We both are. This is the first huge body blow that I’ve taken without self harm impulses, which adds to how surreal life feels.

This should probably be a blog post, it probably will be. Now that I can write again, I feel obligated to share. Loading up wordpress makes me panic though. So I write here. Then get to the next step forward.

I loaded up wordpress and I’m hitting post. The Madness period of our life is far from over, but I don’t plan on talking about it much. It’s too raw for now.

You know, Taken Out of Context I Must Seem so Strange

You gotta be you, love, especially when its scary.

Obviously, life is fucking scary right now. Our Custody battle and the amazing stress that goes along with that has taken over every aspect of life. While we were at Catalyst, our roommate moved out without much of any notice, which added another intense level of stress. (It’s a good move for her, but happened at the absolute worst time for me.) There has been an added scramble to figure out solutions for the gaps in life that she was covering. Icing on my stress cake has been that we both brought home the dreaded ConCrud. Battling being sick on top of everything else? Yeah, I haven’t been up for anything beyond keeping life running.

Blissfully, I have a wonderful community of friends, family, loves and surprise supporters who have consistently stepped up to reaffirm my faith in humanity. Our Rally has 65 supporters, which has allowed us to find an absolutely fantastic lawyer. (We still need help paying for her services. My gratitude to everyone who has donated is beyond measure or words.) Kind words, Catalyst Snuggles, funny cards and random texts of support have kept me going as the universe keeps pulling rugs out from under me. I love you all.

Coming home from the convention to a new configuration of life, feeling like we had little to look forward to but more stress and battles, I shut down to a large degree. My social media presence has been scarce as most days my computer stayed shut. Found grounding in my offline life. Deep cleaning the house, moving my office back to our beautiful sunroom. Cooking with the kids, playing outside with them. After bedtime, making extra effort to be present with my love. A lot of that was just laying in bed binge watching Friends while holding hands, but it’s been a wonderful recharge.

Our first court date is in a few days, my wonderful Mother is coming up to help out as I will be a massive ball of panic until we get through that. Overall I have a very deep faith that this mess will work out. On the other side will be a massive weight off our shoulders and freedom that we’ve yet to fully experience as a partnership.

“The only way out is through”

I’m making it through. We’re making it through. Step by step, day by day, often moment by moment. In this moment I’m feeling less overwhelmed than I have in a very long time. Working on expanding beyond the bubble I created for myself over the last few days. I’ve a recap of Catalyst to post, as well as a #OrgasmQuest update in the works. Before I did those, I wanted to release some of the stress via this post, as above all else this site is a space for me to be me – whatever that may look like.

Much love to all who took the time to read. <3