Twitter Really Cares About My Reaction To Scalia’s Death

Supreme Court Justice Scalia died today, I’m not ashamed that this is thrilling, and right-wing twitter really does not like me.

Which is fine, the feeling is quite mutual.

Overall, I do not wish death upon people. I do not celebrate death. There are a few exceptions to this rule, and Antonin Scalia is one of them. Actually, I am not thrilled that he is dead, I am thrilled that he no longer wields great power. Great power used to harm, restrict rights and promote horrific bigotry. As being on the Supreme Court is a lifetime job, that means retirement or death. He died in his sleep and I am glad he is gone. Thus, I tweeted.

Read through the responses at your own risk. I rarely feed the trolls, but today I’m still mostly on bed rest and have a fair amount of anger that needed an outlet. None of that bullshit got to me, I was laughing most of the time.

Here is the deal: I’m a queer, poly, liberal, woman who has needed and received abortive care. Scalia was on the bench since I was four years old, a consistently disgusting monster who through his writings made it clear that he loathed who and what I am. Viewed me as a second class citizen at best. A monster with extreme power. Now he is gone and as hard as right-wing twitter has tried, you cannot and will not shame me into feeling sadness.

I feel empathy for those who loved him. For his wife and children. Look, my Dad died eleven years ago. My Dad, who I love and miss, was kind of a shitbag. There are plenty of people who are glad he’s dead and I do not begrudge them that. I’ve harmed people in my life and I’m sure they will be happy when I die. Lots of people told me about how thrilled they will be today alone! Rock on. I’ll be dead and thus will not care how the fuck people react.

“Don’t speak ill of the dead”

NOPE. Nope. Nope. Nope.

I want nothing to do with the making of the mythology of this person. Towards the end of his life/career, he seemed to slide completely into professional troll. Professional trolls are bad enough on their own, professional trolls on the fucking supreme court? I’ve read more than enough of his opinions to feel his loathing for people like me, people like my family, people who are my friends and loves. Plenty of words are being written on his record and life, that’s not what I’m doing here.

What I’m doing here is saying that right now his dead body in Texas has more rights than those of a pregnant person in that state. Abortion rights are about to hit the Supreme Court and I am crying tears of joy that he will not be on the bench for that. Shamelessly.

A whole mess of folks have named me the face and the voice of liberalism on twitter today, so I shall inform you all that as your Queen and Liberal Ruler, you may address me as Her Royal Pinkness. Beware the tyranny of my oppressive socialism and rainbows. The Tyranny of Glitter Everywhere.

Behold - Her Royal Pinkness

Behold – Her Royal Pinkness – Your Liberal Queen

Obviously, I speak for myself and myself alone. 

I choose to have fun with folks who were calling me the face of liberalism when it suited them. I’m a white cis woman, my voice should not be the loudest any longer. Hopefully my sarcasm here was noted by those whose opinions I care about.

Now, back to the amusement on twitter…

shevibestickerYou don’t like what I have to say? Don’t like that I dare speak ill of the dead? 

Don’t fucking read my words then.

I’m not for everyone, that’s fine. I’ve no interest in being palatable to everyone. Feel free to continue to tell me how horrible I am. The fucks I give continue to stay at zero and the moment that I get bored, I’ll go back to ignoring the trolls. For now though? Thanks for the amusement. Thanks for the hate views to my site. Thanks for keeping me distracted from the pain I’ve been in recently. I actually do appreciate that.

Hello and welcome to the new folks who RT’d me for positive reasons. Hopefully the rest of what I have to say resonates as well. If not, I wish you well. 

Scalia. Was. Toxic.

Thanks to @femsplain for this graphic

Thanks to @femsplain for this graphic

Finally: If you were one of the way too many people who took the time to fill my mentions with hatred, slurs, threats and other bullshit – expect an invoice from me in the near future. See, my time has monetary value and all of you are proud capitalists so I expect you to understand this. Reading your intrusive tweet is $5, Abusive tweets are $10 and Threats or Slurs will cost you $20. 

-Anne Lamott

-Anne Lamott

#OrgasmQuest Turns One

#OrgasmQuest turns one & I’m not what to say.

Baby Crista!!

Selfie from right after I posted the first #OrgasmQuest post

A year ago right now I was wiggling in bed celebrating that I’d made due on a promised blog post…

I’d come up with an idea, found sponsors, and followed through with “Crista and her #OrgasmQuest“. Wriggling happily because I’d been disconnected from my community for a while but this was the start of “dipping my toes” back in. Finally I had a “little project” to contribute with again.

Ha. Ha. Ha!

A year later it’s all a blur of my jaw hanging on the floor. Waking up every morning for weeks going “Okay, where I am covered today?” or “What did I do now?”

As time passed hands began to cover my eyes during that first peek at twitter.

It was a wild, wonderful, scary, intense, and above all else – surreal – experience.

A year later I’m surprised and thankful that so many people have stuck with me through the ups and mostly downs.

#Orgasmquest shirt on for the first time!

The first time I put on my @SheVibe #OrgasmQuest superhero shirt

Honestly, at the moment this sex writer is not all that sexy. Newlywed or not. Masturbation moments are few and far between, pain levels are so in the way that intimacy is mostly cuddling and words of affirmation. (As that’s my main love language, this works wonderfully.) Shortly my medications are going to change as I get back to this glorious world of comprehensive health coverage. Mostly I’m biding my time until that happens, see what challenges or lack of challenges there will be once it begins. As #OrgasmQuest turns one, I may be right back to where I was at the start. Thankfully, if I am, it is with the glorious wisdom about my body that gained.

My energy has been focused on enjoying feeling joyful again, reconnecting with the world, and creating positive routines that I can stick with as I keep climbing out of that depressive hole. Nothing that warrants world-wide media coverage, which is a nice change.

There will be reposting of my favorite #OrgasmQuest articles over the next few days on twitter. My life is about to be packed with all the joys and stresses that come with the holidays in a very blended family. (Juggling the schedules of four households is…let’s go with interesting.)

I’m really looking forward to where #OrgasmQuest will take me in year two.

I do it for the joy it brings, for I am a Joyful Girl.

Since we got married, it’s like a spell has been lifted.
I feel Joy again.

That sounds corny as I type it, but it is so true. We’re laughing in joy again. There is more color in V’s face. We both feel like the world has been lifted from our shoulders. There are little life things that Monday morning would have caused panic that now are…nothing.

“Okay, let’s deal with this.” Verses “No. Just no. I can’t. Go away.”

We’re more animated. I haven’t seen either of us this happy alone or together in about a year. #OrgasmQuest went from a blog post to…world wide media coverage of my masturbation habits, which seriously – no one is ready for that. While that was happening there was the horrific train wreck of all our worst fears coming true through the custody battle, then the darkness that blanketed our world after things didn’t go our way.

Something important. Something Vital finally went our way. For you wonderful new folks who aren’t familiar with our story, my Partner and I were in the same goth/weirdo/manic pixie dream girl social circle as teenagers but never technically met. He did once spot me at the local goth club (because of course) and the first thing he thought upon seeing was “I’m going to marry that girl someday.

The second was “That’s ridiculous, you probably don’t even have the balls to talk to her.” As he finished that thought I walked over to my group of friends and one douche canoe I couldn’t stand. V didn’t talk to me that night because he assumed that if I talked to douche canoe, I wouldn’t like him.

After missing meeting each other two more times by the tiniest of margins, I found him on OkCupid a decade later. At first sight, I knew I needed to know him. He was like me, whatever it is that I am.

It’s never been easy for us. We’ve moved heaven and earth, gone through hell and back many times, simply because we need to be together. This is my Partner. Now, legally. That means more to me than I expected to. It may never be easy for us, but it’s all worth it. Everything has been worth it to be here.

Grinning up at V in joy, seconds before we were wed.

Grinning up at V in joy, seconds before we were wed.

With the spell broken, I’m coming back to life..

Starting to want to interact again. I feel myself coming back to life. With experience, with how open I’ve been over the last year with my struggles, with everything – I’m much more aware of this rebirth than I have of the others. Aware of how much I need to nurture it, aware that I’ll stumble and that darkness will hit again but that I’ll make it back up again.

I’ve had PTSD since I was a child, this cycle has been ever present. I know it will continue to be present.

Val just put in the paperwork. Jan 1 I have full health insurance. I can see a therapist. I can get meds. Get my fucking eyes checked and new glasses. We’re working on name change, I feel like a real person again.

That’s the key. I’m a person again. I feel real. There is a bit of security again. Taking things slowly, we’re about to be punched again, but I’m real. We’re real. I’m not the “second wife”, the mistress, the pitiful stray, without a voice or agency.

I’m fucking real.

Now, what do I want my reality look like?

I want my reality to continue to be joyful. “because the world owes us nothing, and we owe each other the world.” Continue doing what brings me joy. Writing here, seriously and not so, brings me joy. Working on projects with my peers, podcasting with those Swingset fuckers, presenting and facilitating conversations around sexuality and depression. Sexuality and motherhood. Busting stigmas brings me joy.

I want more joy in my personal life. To fully experience this joyous life, I’m letting go. Slowly I’ve password protected posts about abuse and pain. They aren’t deleted, I’m not doing this because I regret my path or speaking my truth. Forever I will stand by my right to share my truth as a survivor. It’s because I don’t want to give that time space in my joy.

A therapist friend who has given me guidance over the years asked me recently about forgiveness. Could I forgive? The answer is that I can when given an apology, shown a modicum of responsibility for their actions. Without that, I cannot as of yet.

What I can do is let go. Look at why abusers abuse, understand that they won’t change, and let go of their power. They have no power over me. I no longer fear them into the depths of my soul. Bless, reject and send back their anger, hatred and ill will.

My life is strange and beautiful. We have to fight daily to keep it, but I am exactly where I need to be.

I am Mighty

I am a Joyful Girl.

Quick ‘n Dirty: Where To Find My Words Across The Web

A delightful part of getting back to work is that I get glorious opportunities to add my voice across the web on a variety of topics. One of my great lessons from going viral is that I am a much happier rainbow when my words are part of the story, not the story. Here is where to find my words across the web right now…

I believe these are all that have gone live, with a few more delightful links and projects to come soon. One more link before I’m off, signal boosting an excellent opportunity for emerging writers via Bitch.

fellowship_twitter-02

Bitch Media, for almost 20 years an independent, nonprofit feminist media organization, is pleased to announce the Bitch Media Fellowships for Writers, a series of three-month intensive writing fellowships whose goal is to develop, support, and amplify emerging, diverse voices in feminist, activist, and pop-culture media. The program will be directed by Bitch cofounder Andi Zeisler.

The four subject areas are:

  • Reproductive rights & justice
  • Pop-culture criticism
  • Technology
  • Global feminism

Head over to Bitch’s website for the rest of the details. I’m seriously considering applying for one of the Reproductive rights & justice.

Otherwise my darlings, it has been a stressful week for extended and chosen family. I’ve been a bit quiet while helping loves, but as things seem to be improving I’m looking forward to posting regularly.

Crista Anne is Mighty

Truly coming into my own skin is a beautiful and painful process.

Accessing the buried power though, it’s priceless. Worth every aching moment.

Everything has changed over the last few weeks, months. Life flipped upside down. Rugs pulled out from under me. Previous truths exposed. Countless spotlights have been pointed my direction.

I rolled with it, I fought against some, resisting more. Very recently, I regained control across many spheres. Regaining control for a while had my laptop shut as I threw every bit of myself into altering my physical life, drastically altering to make proper spaces for all areas of my life. Most of my focus went to improving life for the kids, altering the house to fit their changing needs.

Then tackling the deep cleaning, the deep sorting that I’d pushed to the side. There were memories, ghosts, hidden in those ignored tasks. Tackling them headfirst, being mighty. Somehow I pushed myself far beyond my physical ability until they were finished. That finish line was exquisite.

Last night I collapsed into bed, the euphoria of being able to rest after the marathon is one of the best feelings in my life. We chatted with a friend on skype, I fell asleep relaxed and feeling a peace I haven’t known in a long while.

I’m ready for the next step. Ready for what comes next.

Now it’s my space that is left to reclaim. While we rearranged the house the sun room, my scared space, became the dumping ground for everything we needed out of the way. This morning I finished moving the lingering extra pieces into their proper places. Now, Now, Now I get to change this area into what I need it to be.

Self care comes in endless forms. Rearranging was self-care. It was the hard change that needed to happen for all of us to grow. I saved the last, this space, as the greatest self-care. Making room for me to find the quiet I need for the words in my head to leave my fingertips is going to be glorious. There is so much I have to say, letting it escape will be cathartic.

I am what I am. I am who I am. All of my roles now fit comfortably within the larger picture of myself. I am Mighty within my own skin.

Mighty and so very grateful. Gratitude for the countless loves who have helped me, us, along this impossibly hard road emanates from me. We’re nowhere near the finish line, but we are strong. We are supported. We are loved and love in return.

Life is beautiful.

Shocking! An update that isn’t Instagram!

Taking a rare quiet moment to actually write here. I’ve received a number of sweet emails from y’all, either checking in or just sending love. Tried to respond to all of them, but if I missed you – I appreciated your words deeply.

We’ve all the kids for most of this week, so I’ve been off being a different brand of superhero. It’s been wonderful, exhausting, but wonderful. I’ve learned that I need to start buying glitter by the pound like my dear friend Carin. Turning me into Queen Mommy Sparkle is a daily event – I’ve glitter in my pores. Not complaining, the house has been very happy, a huge change from the dark cloud that hung over us while we were in limbo.

Words want to fall off my fingertips on a number of topics that are floating around. As that’s just not possible right now, I’ve been RTing wonderful posts on twitter as much as possible. Posting via instagram is my best mode for the next few days. When the child load goes down, I’m blocking off time for my words. It’s important self-care.

I’m sending you all love and light. Thank you for your support, it means the world to all of us.

Reclaiming My Universe Creating Orgasm – #BOAW15 #OrgasmQuest

The long reclamation of my inner Sex Goddess

As my regular readers know – and now a good deal of the world – I’ve been on an #OrgasmQuest since December. Let me give a “quick” overview for any new readers: My identity has been in constant flux, ever-changing, but two things have been constants. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Empowered Sexuality. I came out of the womb depressed, but I also came out of the womb with a hand on my clitoris. Never shamed for exploring my body, I was taught early on that it was my “feeling good stuff”, it was a private experience and when I needed Feeling Good Stuff Time, I should do so in the privacy of my bedroom. This started my life long love of masturbation.

When I am in dark places due to my mental illness, I can orgasm as a way to remind myself that there are pleasurable feeling to be had. Not a cure for my depression, not a fix, but a tool that I’ve used as long as I can remember to keep myself going. My ability to find pleasure in the darkness saved me more times than I can count.

The added bonus from a lifetime of masturbation is that I have always been highly orgasmic. As an adult, I experienced orgasms that felt like touching the divine. While the label of my sexuality has often been in flux, that I am a highly sexual creäture has been a constant.

Five years ago I became a mother, which changed endless aspects of my life. It’s nearly impossible to feel sexy when your almost dying of sleep deprivation, covered in goodness knows what, your will overridden by that tiny person I created. Again, masturbatory orgasms helped me. I was able to remind myself that while everything else seemed to have dramatically changed, for a few moments I could be blissful.

After my second child, creating a life with my Partner-In-Everything, XVO, and adding his children into the mix – my depression became more than I could handle on my own. I found an amazing doctor and we decided to try an older antidepressant to help me. Oh, does it help me. On Amitriptyline for the first time in my life I truly enjoy being alive. My mental health is finally at a place where I can stay that I’m good.

The drawback is that one of the side effects is Anorgasmia – the inability to orgasm even with proper stimulation. This side effect affects countless people and there is a deep stigma about speaking aloud about how disruptive losing orgasm or libido can be on the entirety of someone’s life. So, I’m fighting back. This medication works on every other level, so I am uninterested in changing medications. I opted to go on a public #OrgasmQuest, and have invited anyone who is interested to read along with my journey.

This brings you up to speed on #OrgasmQuest, but Quest isn’t all that I am doing to reclaim my Sexual Goddess status. Motherhood, parenting, these are also huge stumbling blocks on the path to empowered sexuality. I am a queer woman in an open partnership, so I cultivate passionate friendships as I can. Make time for myself to be something other than Mama, stepping away from my motherhood role and passing the torch to the other parents in our world.

What does that look like for me? I revel in my beauty, my sexuality, through selfies. My career is that of a sexuality writer and educator – specializing in sex toys, so I write here in non explicit but frank terms about my masturbation and sex toy use. I put on elaborate makeup for myself, when I want to feel beautiful and empowered even though all I may do that day is write and clean the house. I make space for intimacy with my love. Flirt with trusted friends. As I work from home, I play with wild hair colors and vibrant clothing.

My universe creating orgasms have yet to fully return. Had one blissful evening when hormones overrode the side effects and I touched the divine again and again, but over all I’m not where I want to be. Most of my orgasms are physical now, vaginal contractions, wobbly legs, but my brain doesn’t experience the pleasure spike. This is progress though, and I have no plans on ending my Quest any time soon.

This may sound to woo” for some of my readers, I understand, it’s a little to woo for me too. However, I do feel a connection to Inanna, my personal spiritual path is close to that of paganism, and she is my Goddess. I am connected to the sacred whore and see myself as one. I refuse to lose this vital piece of my identity in exchange for finally having relief from most of my mental illness.

If you value pleasure, and I do make room for people who do not because that is a valid way to feel, I believe it is your birthright. I know that pleasure is mine, I revel in the pleasures that I can find now, and continue to fight to regain the fullness of my inner Sex Goddess.

#OrgasmQuest, Brutal Honesty & Harassment

Yes, I’ve taken a mini Vacation from writing about #OrgasmQuest.

When I said that it was to combat the massive burnout I was experiencing, that was true – but it wasn’t the full story. Each night this week I’ve sat down and started a Quest post, only to get a paragraph or two in before I was paralyzed by a panic attack. Not just that I’m an introverted person who is uncomfortable with the spotlight (though that is true) but because I can’t handle the harassment.

Ever been globally mocked and slut shamed? Cause I have now and it’s…it’s a lot to take in. A lot to process. Continue reading

MicroBlogging: She Had Me At Unicorn Hustle

#AlwaysBeAUnicorn

#AlwaysBeAUnicorn

The other night Dr Drew’s show on HLN rebroadcast the #OrgasmQuest interview as part of a show on sex, which was mildly disorienting. A few folks on twitter thought it was live (understandably) and were tweeting at me about what “I had just said on TV”.  Now I am the first to admit that I can be a bit of a flake – I hardly remember what I said two hours ago – let alone a few weeks ago. Had to re-watch some of the segments to refresh myself. Opted not to argue with a few folks, and was a little annoyed until Avery Simone (@UnicornHustle) crossed my path. She’s a very fun follow and was kind enough to add a post on her site that’s delightful. Here’s Unicorn Hustle’s take on #OrgasmQuest!

Back With a New #OrgasmQuest Piece in @Mamalode

Ah, Greetings Darlings!

I took a little unscheduled break from posting, that migraine last week knocked me sideways. When I eventually recovered I felt like I had been out of commission for weeks instead of the two days that it actually was. Then we had an intense parenting load with bonus rare for the area snow storm. Have been as interactive as possible on twitter, but needed a little break from #OrgasmQuest so I didn’t completely burn out.

#OrgasmQuest is back with a new piece in Mamalode!

#OrgasmQuest by Mamalode graphic

#OrgasmQuest by Mamalode graphic

One Mom’s Quest for an Orgasm – This essay ended up being much harder than I anticipated.  I am naturally verbose and trying to condense how I got to #OrgasmQuest plus a bit about how Quest has been received into 500-ish words was far more difficult than I imagined. Worth the effort though, I really appreciate the chance to talk to a different audience. Parents, other Moms in particular, are often in this boat and the stigmas around mental illness & sexuality can be even more suffocating when you’re in a parental role. Thus far the essay seems to be getting a warm reception – Welcome to my world Mamalode readers!

Shortly I’ll have a longer #OrgasmQuest update – I’ve been quiet but Quest has been going strong. JoEllen, The Redhead Bedhead, and I also have teamed up for an important PSA about the ongoing conversation about Sex & Depression. The break was a lovely mini vacation, I’m back recharged and thrilled about the coming weeks. Keep an eye on this space, glory is about to happen.

Look! Awesomeness that isn’t the #Grammy’s! Vulva Coloring Book & Selfies. #NSFW

The Vaginatastic Coloring Book of Vulvas

Download A Vaginaful Coloring Book of Vulvas!
Book by , via Bluestockings Magazine

You’re welcome.

Now for #selfie randomness from the weekend. There is a lot going on, I’m too tired to write a real post, so – bam. Enjoy!

Writing for Myself: This is Who I Am.

This site, blog, my tweets, this is all me. This is who I am.

Hello, I'm Crista

Hello, I’m Crista

This is not a persona, this is not a brand. My name IS Crista Anne. As many people can attest, I am the same online and off. The first word people usually use to describe me is sweet. I appreciate that about myself, my sweetness, my kindness, my empathy. I’ve worked hard to retain them though my life.

We live in this age of snark, hostility, harassment. As has been said here before, I reject all that. Yes, I do occasionally use snark in the face of harassment, hostility or threats – but snark in those cases is what I see as my best option. Snark has a place in this world, I deeply dislike that it’s become the first response instead of empathy. People keep telling me to get over it, this is how the world is.

Nothing changes unless people change. One by one. At least in this instance.

When you’re interacting with me online, you’re interacting with the real me. I call myself a “Professional Oversharer” not because of the attention seeking, but because I’m comfortable talking about a wide range of the messiness of life that others like to gloss over. Ignore. Shame. I share my imperfections, flaws, and mistakes along with everything else because I’m comfortable with all of it.

I honestly love myself. Which has taken a very long time to do, but here I am. I love myself, even the ugly bits. The parts that are still broken, for I am a work in progress.

I love my life, as hard and as messy and as complicated as it is. I love my Partner-In-Everything, XVO. I love his strength and brilliance. His goodness, acceptance and support. I love our us. I love how we face life together, even when it’s hard, even when we have differences.

I love my work. The work I am doing now, that I have done in the past, the work I will do in the future. I’ll take and run with Carol Queen calling me a rainbow-colored pleasure revolutionary!” It’s what I am, it’s what I will continue to be.

This site was intended to be my little space within the vastness of the internet. #OrgasmQuest took over for a while, but this is still my space for me. You may not like everything I have to say, you may not agree with everything I do. If you choose to voice those disagreements, as long as it is done respectfully, I’m happy to engage. As stated in my earlier post, I cannot begin to keep up with the emails regarding #OrgasmQuest, but comments here? Interacting with me on twitter? If I’m around, I’m happy to chat. I really do like most people, I do tend to give the benefit of doubt to folks. I hope they do the same in return with me.