My pain is not polished.

This post was written in October, 2016 – when I was positive we’d have Madam President right now and the “Grab em by the Pussy” tape had just leaked. On this day of protests, strikes, backlash, dudes being absurd man babies because something isn’t about them, and that this horrible monster is president, I’m reposting the piece in full, but you can see the orginal Medium post here.

No, I am not done yet. Nowhere near done.

I am going to continue to dump my intense fury, very raw pain and oh my stars y’all. The disillusionment. I *knew* that sexism would crawl out from under rocks like racism did with President Obama, I’ve been steeling myself for it. Assumed that as I interact with MRAs I’d be ahead of the curve.

I did not see being gaslighted by a large portion of my government, elected officials, writers I once respected, the nominee of the Republican party. I do not use the term gaslighting lightly either. (Few people I know do, but I know I’m facing the trope of the liberal feminist killjoy.) Since Friday I have been yelling at my screens, tweeting at people pleading to stop using victim blaming framing… Read More

Over your shit.

#OrgasmQuest Turns One

#OrgasmQuest turns one & I’m not what to say.

Baby Crista!!

Selfie from right after I posted the first #OrgasmQuest post

A year ago right now I was wiggling in bed celebrating that I’d made due on a promised blog post…

I’d come up with an idea, found sponsors, and followed through with “Crista and her #OrgasmQuest“. Wriggling happily because I’d been disconnected from my community for a while but this was the start of “dipping my toes” back in. Finally I had a “little project” to contribute with again.

Ha. Ha. Ha!

A year later it’s all a blur of my jaw hanging on the floor. Waking up every morning for weeks going “Okay, where I am covered today?” or “What did I do now?”

As time passed hands began to cover my eyes during that first peek at twitter.

It was a wild, wonderful, scary, intense, and above all else – surreal – experience.

A year later I’m surprised and thankful that so many people have stuck with me through the ups and mostly downs.

#Orgasmquest shirt on for the first time!

The first time I put on my @SheVibe #OrgasmQuest superhero shirt

Honestly, at the moment this sex writer is not all that sexy. Newlywed or not. Masturbation moments are few and far between, pain levels are so in the way that intimacy is mostly cuddling and words of affirmation. (As that’s my main love language, this works wonderfully.) Shortly my medications are going to change as I get back to this glorious world of comprehensive health coverage. Mostly I’m biding my time until that happens, see what challenges or lack of challenges there will be once it begins. As #OrgasmQuest turns one, I may be right back to where I was at the start. Thankfully, if I am, it is with the glorious wisdom about my body that gained.

My energy has been focused on enjoying feeling joyful again, reconnecting with the world, and creating positive routines that I can stick with as I keep climbing out of that depressive hole. Nothing that warrants world-wide media coverage, which is a nice change.

There will be reposting of my favorite #OrgasmQuest articles over the next few days on twitter. My life is about to be packed with all the joys and stresses that come with the holidays in a very blended family. (Juggling the schedules of four households is…let’s go with interesting.)

I’m really looking forward to where #OrgasmQuest will take me in year two.

I do it for the joy it brings, for I am a Joyful Girl.

Since we got married, it’s like a spell has been lifted.
I feel Joy again.

That sounds corny as I type it, but it is so true. We’re laughing in joy again. There is more color in V’s face. We both feel like the world has been lifted from our shoulders. There are little life things that Monday morning would have caused panic that now are…nothing.

“Okay, let’s deal with this.” Verses “No. Just no. I can’t. Go away.”

We’re more animated. I haven’t seen either of us this happy alone or together in about a year. #OrgasmQuest went from a blog post to…world wide media coverage of my masturbation habits, which seriously – no one is ready for that. While that was happening there was the horrific train wreck of all our worst fears coming true through the custody battle, then the darkness that blanketed our world after things didn’t go our way.

Something important. Something Vital finally went our way. For you wonderful new folks who aren’t familiar with our story, my Partner and I were in the same goth/weirdo/manic pixie dream girl social circle as teenagers but never technically met. He did once spot me at the local goth club (because of course) and the first thing he thought upon seeing was “I’m going to marry that girl someday.

The second was “That’s ridiculous, you probably don’t even have the balls to talk to her.” As he finished that thought I walked over to my group of friends and one douche canoe I couldn’t stand. V didn’t talk to me that night because he assumed that if I talked to douche canoe, I wouldn’t like him.

After missing meeting each other two more times by the tiniest of margins, I found him on OkCupid a decade later. At first sight, I knew I needed to know him. He was like me, whatever it is that I am.

It’s never been easy for us. We’ve moved heaven and earth, gone through hell and back many times, simply because we need to be together. This is my Partner. Now, legally. That means more to me than I expected to. It may never be easy for us, but it’s all worth it. Everything has been worth it to be here.

Grinning up at V in joy, seconds before we were wed.

Grinning up at V in joy, seconds before we were wed.

With the spell broken, I’m coming back to life..

Starting to want to interact again. I feel myself coming back to life. With experience, with how open I’ve been over the last year with my struggles, with everything – I’m much more aware of this rebirth than I have of the others. Aware of how much I need to nurture it, aware that I’ll stumble and that darkness will hit again but that I’ll make it back up again.

I’ve had PTSD since I was a child, this cycle has been ever present. I know it will continue to be present.

Val just put in the paperwork. Jan 1 I have full health insurance. I can see a therapist. I can get meds. Get my fucking eyes checked and new glasses. We’re working on name change, I feel like a real person again.

That’s the key. I’m a person again. I feel real. There is a bit of security again. Taking things slowly, we’re about to be punched again, but I’m real. We’re real. I’m not the “second wife”, the mistress, the pitiful stray, without a voice or agency.

I’m fucking real.

Now, what do I want my reality look like?

I want my reality to continue to be joyful. “because the world owes us nothing, and we owe each other the world.” Continue doing what brings me joy. Writing here, seriously and not so, brings me joy. Working on projects with my peers, podcasting with those Swingset fuckers, presenting and facilitating conversations around sexuality and depression. Sexuality and motherhood. Busting stigmas brings me joy.

I want more joy in my personal life. To fully experience this joyous life, I’m letting go. Slowly I’ve password protected posts about abuse and pain. They aren’t deleted, I’m not doing this because I regret my path or speaking my truth. Forever I will stand by my right to share my truth as a survivor. It’s because I don’t want to give that time space in my joy.

A therapist friend who has given me guidance over the years asked me recently about forgiveness. Could I forgive? The answer is that I can when given an apology, shown a modicum of responsibility for their actions. Without that, I cannot as of yet.

What I can do is let go. Look at why abusers abuse, understand that they won’t change, and let go of their power. They have no power over me. I no longer fear them into the depths of my soul. Bless, reject and send back their anger, hatred and ill will.

My life is strange and beautiful. We have to fight daily to keep it, but I am exactly where I need to be.

I am Mighty

I am a Joyful Girl.

Return of #OrgasmQuest!

#OrgasmQuest makes its return!!

#OrgasmQuest updates had to take a very sudden hiatus as the rest of my life went sideways. While I was unable to post about Quest, that doesn’t mean that I stopped Questing in my personal life by any means. Keeping Quest going for myself was one of the many ways I kept myself together through the most stressful and horrific period of my life. Now that we’re on the other side of that, it’s high time that #OrgasmQuest updates return. On to the Return of #OrgasmQuest!!!

#OrgasmQuest: Where I am now

As I approach the One year anniversary of Quest, I can absolutely call it a success. Over the quiet months I continued to make time for masturbation. That time was both as a coping mechanism like masturbation as always been for me and to continue working on regaining sensitivity and orgasmic ability. I can now reliably orgasm via masturbation and partnered sex!

Snapshot_2015218 (5)HUZZAH!!!!

I can reliably orgasm, but I am now orgasmically mortal. To get myself there I require extended foreplay, extra lubrication, and the orgasms that I have are still much weaker than those “universe creating” ‘gasms of the past. Multiple orgasms are mostly beyond my abilities, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm that included squirting. Trust me though, reliable orgasms again has improved my quality of life a great deal.

So happy

Cuddling my new Precious, the rechargeable Magic Wand

Over the summer there was the wonderful launch of the #MagicWandUnplugged. Those glorious folks at Good Vibrations were wonderful enough to send me one even though I wouldn’t be able to write about the glory for a while. I fell so in love with the Cordless Magic Wand that it completely replaced my corded model. (She has been lovingly retired with a place of honor in my locking #OrgasmQuest Toolbox.) The auto shut off had a learning curve for me, at first it was turning off on me right as I was getting there, but I’ve changed up my usage. Building up sensation at the lower speeds, turning it off to give my body a few seconds that build the craving for more stimulation, then turning it back up to ramp up through the third and fourth speeds.

The ability to have that Magic Wand power without planning where the nearest outlet is has made #OrgasmQuest time much easier, and the slightly lighter weight allows me to hold the wand longer and more comfortably. Earlier in an interview I was asked if I was comfortable giving the magic wand credit for the return of my orgasmic ability, which was answered with a VERY enthusiastic “YES!”

Another piece of my Anorgasmic puzzle that I’ve put together is that there is a strong hormonal component affecting my orgasmic ability. During my period and while I am ovulating is by far the easiest time for me to orgasm. The rest of the month I have to work for those orgasms, but during ovulation and menstruation? They are almost as easy as they were before anorgasmia struck. I am one year into having the Mirena IUD in place and will continue to track how that affects my orgasmic ability going forward.

The Future of #OrgasmQuest

Incredible progress has been made, but I am nowhere near done with #OrgasmQuest. Reliable orgasms are fantastic, but I want my full orgasmic experience back.  Multiple orgasms. Intense orgasms. Squirting. Perhaps Universe Creating Orgasms are beyond my ability, but I will keep working towards having them again.

I want to continue increasing my sensitivity. Love foreplay, but if I can get back to an orgasm with slightly less foreplay needed? That would be wonderful. Need to continue nurturing my Inner Sex Goddess. Plus, continued dedication to self care via pleasure is a wonderful component to keeping my mental health as positive as it can be.

Shortly, my dosage of amitriptyline will be increasing. This drug continues to be the best medication I have found for combating my depressive symptoms, but I have adjusted to the dosage I have been on for the last year. With the massive body blows we have taken in our personal family life, I’ve slipped deeper into depression than I’m comfortable with. There is a good chance that increasing dosage will change the progress I’ve made and I plan on keeping everyone updated with how those changes are affecting me on an orgasmic level and as a person with mental illness.

I love #freethewand and heartily endorse getting yourself one. (Of course I appreciate it if you grab yours via my links.) That being said, I want to expand my #OrgasmQuest arsenal. Have this glorious collection of exquisite sex toys from Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit that have yet to get the loving attention they so deserve. There will be many Quest posts talking about the successes and possible failures of these new options.

REALLY looking forward to spending quality time with The Rumble once it is released so I can compare and contrast the differences between the wands I now own. So much anticipation!

Finally: #OrgasmQuest inspired many others to begin their own Quests. I’ll be highlighting those posts along with ideas on how anyone can be empowered to join the fun. #OrgasmQuest became much bigger than myself or this site. It is one of my proudest achievements, and a project I plan on keeping going for the rest of my days.

Now a request! What do YOU want to read about regarding #OrgasmQuest? Comment below or contact me privately here. I want Quest to be as useful as possible. <3

Of course, #OrgasmQuest is possible with the glorious support of my #OrgasmQuest Sponsors: SheVibe, Tantus & Good Vibrations. Thank you all for being such amazing and supportive friends and loves through the recent up and downs!

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

CristaAnne.com breaks into the Top Ten Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2015!!

So proud of my little blog that could…

#MedicatedandMighty selfie

#MedicatedandMighty 

When introducing myself in panels, workshops or in interviews I’ll often call myself “a professional oversharer who has blogged since long before the term “blog” even existed.” Starting with angelfire sites in the late 90’s and then LiveJournal, blogger and other platforms – writing online has been a natural comfort zone for my ambiverted self. As I moved through my journey of self discovery I tried out many urls and personas, looking for the perfect fit. Eventually it was obvious that I was most comfortable as myself, so I picked up this domain with the intention of it being a small personal blog and writing outlet.

About a year ago I began writing more about my battles with depression and PTSD which quickly turned into #OrgasmQuest. My little blog that could had worldwide media attention, my life changed permanently. When The Madness hit our life (the custody battle that consumed most of this year) I had to back off posting here for many reasons. For months this site was almost exclusively instagram posts and very sporadic brief updates while we made our way through our worst fears come to life.

While I was unable to speak about my life in a public way, you amazing folks stuck with me. Love and support flowed our way through and after the worst of the worst – I am forever grateful. Right as I began to return to the world, Kinkly launched their Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2015 contest. Shamelessly I courted votes without a ton of expectations, my life and thus my writing had not been very sexy. My goal was top fifty, my hope was top twenty-five.

When the results were released a few days ago, I almost dropped my pad.

The Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2015:

  1. The Black Pomegranate
  2. The Redhead Bedhead
  3. A Sexy Woman of a Certain Age
  4. Oh Joy, Sex Toy
  5. Girly Juice
  6. Crista Anne (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  7. Hey Epiphora
  8. Girl Boner
  9. Slutty Girl Problems
  10. The Ins and Outs

The rest of the Top 100

Crista Anne bills herself as a “rainbow-colored pleasure revolutionary.” We love that slogan as much as her bold writing on sex, depression and everything in between.

Credit where credit is due, my moniker of “Rainbow-colored Pleasure Revolutionary” was bequeathed to me by Carol Queen in the Good Vibes #OrgasmQuest interview. It’s perfect. When my writing is praised as being bold and unique – my goals have been achieved.

It’s taken me a few days to find words of gratitude. 2015 has been the hardest, most painfully soul wrenching year of my life. The darkness that covered so much of this year got the best of me more often than I care to admit. While I count down the days to the end of ’15 so I can put this horrific year behind me, this recognition means a great deal.

Thank you.

Derailment and Perspective

Shortly after I posted the Tracy Chapman song earlier I went to go lie down with my toddler. He’s having trouble sleeping, so I was hoping that both of us could catch a little nap and be in good spirits for the afternoon. Almost as soon as I turned off the lights, calmed him from turning off his paddy, and we got snuggly together – I heard sirens.

Now, we live off a busy street so sirens are rather common, but after a minute or two I realized it sounded like they were coming from the next room. Getting up to investigate, I reached the door as a firefighter was approaching to tell me that the house next door was burning and they’d like us to evacuate as a precaution. Kiddo and I threw on coats and headed to another neighbor’s yard where I bounced a terrified mini me on my back for twenty minutes while making small talk to try to cover the terror of possibly losing our house.

We got the all clear, kiddo got a sucker from one of the fire fighters for being brave and for thanking them for not letting his house burn down “cause all my McQueens live in there”. Kiddo checked out the fire trucks but was still too worried to climb in after being offered the chance. It was a “medium” fire caused by a short in the bathroom fan next door.

Still, scary as fuck.

The rest of the afternoon was spent soothing kiddo, I think my spine is about to snap in two from how many back rides I gave him. Complete derailment of what was planned to be a very busy day, but this derailment comes with needed perspective. My wonderful, messy, colorful home is in one piece. Magically my stress over how messy my office and kiddo’s bedroom is has vanished. (Messy, but not a fire hazard.) Now that life has calmed down, I’m less panicked from a massively panic inducing situation, and so incredibly grateful for what I have. Also very thankful no one was home or injured next door, as the neighbors had just moved in and I’ve yet to really meet them.

I have happiness to express about this little blog that could landing higher than I fathomed on the Sex Blogger Superheroes list, a bit of shameless self promotion on other projects, and a bit of news on #OrgasmQuest. Looks like most of those will be pushed to a later time. Now I just want my beloved XVO to get home so we can spend a quiet evening in our wonderfully not fire damaged house.

Perspective, it hits when you most need it sometimes.

Things I’ve Discovered About Myself Today…

This started out as a tweet, but I feel like expanding a little while I have a moment of quiet. Today I’ve learned a few things about myself. This new self that I exist in and as. The largest lesson is that it is incredibly easy to fall back into a pit of Panic Brain, and how very hard it is to shake myself loose once I’m there.

It started out simply. Last night my stream of emails stopped around 7pm. Not unusual. Most of the email exchanges I have are during normal-ish business hours, in the evening most people message me on social media instead. This morning I woke up, no email. Continues through my quiet time, which was nice as I was rather tired. Noon hits, which is the magical time that the youngest decides that he cannot bear to not constantly interact with me.

At the same time, twenty time sensitive emails also hit my inbox at once.

Cue panic. That moment of going from fine to OMG OVERWHELMED was like hitting a mental brick wall, then slowly sliding down. Ugh.

Drank water, stepped away from the cause of my overwhelmed for a few minutes, got some center back. Answered the emails, jumped into the mental health twitter chat by PBS, and kept kiddo happily entertained. Usually I’d feel like a Superhero for that, but no. The lingering panic remained.

After so many months of such unfathomable stress, feeling attacked from every angle, my brain just went into that mode and stayed there out of habit. I’m completely functional, you’d have to know me quite well to see the signs of distress,  but they linger.

Today I learned that I can fake it through bad mental times again. I can push panic to the side enough to get what needs to be done, done. That’s really impressive. That I when I feel like I have too much on my plate, I can step back and see how to handle things bit by bit. Again, really impressive.

Healing is going to take a very long time. Setbacks happen and will keep happening. There is still a very long way to go.

I’m getting there though. I’ll take it.

Quick ‘n Dirty: Where To Find My Words Across The Web

A delightful part of getting back to work is that I get glorious opportunities to add my voice across the web on a variety of topics. One of my great lessons from going viral is that I am a much happier rainbow when my words are part of the story, not the story. Here is where to find my words across the web right now…

I believe these are all that have gone live, with a few more delightful links and projects to come soon. One more link before I’m off, signal boosting an excellent opportunity for emerging writers via Bitch.

fellowship_twitter-02

Bitch Media, for almost 20 years an independent, nonprofit feminist media organization, is pleased to announce the Bitch Media Fellowships for Writers, a series of three-month intensive writing fellowships whose goal is to develop, support, and amplify emerging, diverse voices in feminist, activist, and pop-culture media. The program will be directed by Bitch cofounder Andi Zeisler.

The four subject areas are:

  • Reproductive rights & justice
  • Pop-culture criticism
  • Technology
  • Global feminism

Head over to Bitch’s website for the rest of the details. I’m seriously considering applying for one of the Reproductive rights & justice.

Otherwise my darlings, it has been a stressful week for extended and chosen family. I’ve been a bit quiet while helping loves, but as things seem to be improving I’m looking forward to posting regularly.

Breaking News & Info For @WoodhullSFA #SFS16!

We’ve Got the Quick and Dirty Facts About #SFS16, August 4-7, 2016!

The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance is thrilled to announce that we’ll be returning to the Alexandria Hilton Mark Center for the 7th annual Sexual Freedom Summit (#SFS16) from August 4-7, 2016. Mark your calendars!

Just to give you a little insight, we’re excited to be returning to the Hilton Mark Center, a hotel intentionally committed to collaborating with our Accessibility Committee and working to ensure that the needs of our attendees are met wherever possible. Plus, they’re okay with us having the word ‘sexual’ in our name. Unfortunately, this is a big deal.

Read The Rest Here

Now that the change of venue and date for #SFS16 has been announced, I can publicly jump for joy. As the press release states; we are thrilled to be staying at our “home” hotel for next year’s amazing Summit. As part of Leadership for the Accessibility Committee, I am beyond thrilled that we will stay at a hotel that shares our goals for inclusion and accessibility for all.

Shortly after the breaking news hit, a number of people reached out about food options at the Hilton Mark Center. We know that having a wide selection of dining options is important to our attendees​. To be clear, our hotel has no problem with ordering in food to be eaten in the lobby or other common spaces. For everyone’s convenience dining options and menus will be available at registration.

The change in venue for #SFS16 highlights our commitment to inclusivity and accessibility. This is a decision we feel that all of our attendees will support; safety and accessibility for everyone who attends. Further questions, comments or suggestions can be sent to our Accessibility Co-Chair, Crista Anne. (You can also comment below or tweet to @Pinkness)

More from the Press Release:

Interested in speaking at the Sexual Freedom Summit? Follow us on Twitter (@WoodhullSFA #SFS16) and Facebook for updates on the call for proposals!

Feeling as sexy and excited as we do, and want to contribute to Woodhull to help make #SFS16 the best it can be? Donate here!

Shameless Self Promotion: @Kinkly Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015

Kinkly Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2015 Voting Has Begun!

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Sex bloggers are our superheroes. And we know we aren’t the only ones looking to them for advice. It’s why we do our best to feature their sites in our Sex Blogger Directory and our Sex Blogger of the Month feature, and why we link directly to their sex toy reviews in our Sex Toy Directory. It’s also why we published and promoted the very best sex bloggers we could find in 2013 and 2014. Now it’s that time of year again, and we’re on the hunt for the Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2015. We’re looking for the sparkliest, most well-loved, most sex-positive blogs out there – and we need your help to find them!

Have a favorite sex blogger you want to nominate? Here’s how it works:

  • Find your favorite blogger in our Sex Blogger Directory. (If you’d like to submit your own blog, you can do so here.)
  • Click on your favorite bloggers and click Vote For Me button on their page. You can vote for as many blogs as you’d like, but you’ll only be counted once for each blogger.
  • We’ll read through every blog with at least five votes and choose our top 100 favorites based on writing quality, posting frequency and sex-positive content.
  • Only blogs that receive at least five votes by October 7th, 2015, will be counted!

I have been honored & amazed that this little site of mine has stayed within Kinkly’s Top 100 Blogs in their blogger directory through the chaos, stress and pain that has been 2015 for us. The Madness (Our custody battle) forced a hiatus, stopping #OrgasmQuest and many other projects in their tracks. Since that point my work went from being on the front lines battling various stigmas to working behind the scenes with entities like Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance, their Family Matters Project and mentoring other writers.

While I am still recovering from the months of crushing hell, each day I get a bit closer to where I want to be.  Too much continues to be in the air, but I’m not going anywhere. If you’ve enjoyed my work, please take a second to vote for this site. It’s easy-peasy: Click here for my Blogger Profile, then click the lovely pink button that says “click here to vote”! You can vote for as many sites as you like, so I urge you to go through the list and vote for your other favorite sites. (I just cramped a finger voting for all my personal faves!)

My impressive ego thanks you in advance <3

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

@GoodVibesToys Is Helping Spread Sex-Positivity To Festival

I love @GoodVibesToys So Very Much. This year they are sponsoring my endless quest to spread Sex Positivity while on our Vacation.

Every year Val and I take a two-week vacation to Brushwood Folklore Center in NY for their two festivals. Brushwood is our home away from home, time where we completely unplug from the outside world and spend quality time with some of our dearest loves who are flung across the country. Last year we started volunteering, both working the gate. With my rainbow wardrobe, I have been christened within the community “Rainbow Brite of the Gate”.

Of course, I’m also known for my train case of sex toys & constant desire to have conversations around Sex Positivity. This community is a beautiful collection of hippies, pagans and free thinkers. These folks are, overall, not very tech savvy or on the web much – so these are people who are already on a sex positive path, but haven’t encountered the larger sex positive community.

This year Good Vibrations has been wonderful enough to send me a large box full of Sliquid Organics and Please Cream in Water & Silicone samples, Glyde condoms in Ultra & Wild Berry &….

  The coveted Rechargeable Magic Wand!

At Catalyst Con East I attended a panel by Carol Queen on What Sex Positivity Is and Isn’t. At the end she implored us to spread the truly positive, inclusive brand of Sex Positivity as much as we could. So I am taking this wonderful opportunity to do so while on our glorious vacation. For when Carol Queen makes a request, you know I’ll find a way to fulfill it.

To my beloved Brushwoodians who may be reading this, Rainbow Brite of the Gate will have all these glorious goodies at Elysium. Please feel free to drop by our camp to chat & check out the glory.

I am a Mighty Happy Crista.

Rainbow Brite of the Gate

Rainbow Brite of the Gate

Crista Anne is Mighty

Truly coming into my own skin is a beautiful and painful process.

Accessing the buried power though, it’s priceless. Worth every aching moment.

Everything has changed over the last few weeks, months. Life flipped upside down. Rugs pulled out from under me. Previous truths exposed. Countless spotlights have been pointed my direction.

I rolled with it, I fought against some, resisting more. Very recently, I regained control across many spheres. Regaining control for a while had my laptop shut as I threw every bit of myself into altering my physical life, drastically altering to make proper spaces for all areas of my life. Most of my focus went to improving life for the kids, altering the house to fit their changing needs.

Then tackling the deep cleaning, the deep sorting that I’d pushed to the side. There were memories, ghosts, hidden in those ignored tasks. Tackling them headfirst, being mighty. Somehow I pushed myself far beyond my physical ability until they were finished. That finish line was exquisite.

Last night I collapsed into bed, the euphoria of being able to rest after the marathon is one of the best feelings in my life. We chatted with a friend on skype, I fell asleep relaxed and feeling a peace I haven’t known in a long while.

I’m ready for the next step. Ready for what comes next.

Now it’s my space that is left to reclaim. While we rearranged the house the sun room, my scared space, became the dumping ground for everything we needed out of the way. This morning I finished moving the lingering extra pieces into their proper places. Now, Now, Now I get to change this area into what I need it to be.

Self care comes in endless forms. Rearranging was self-care. It was the hard change that needed to happen for all of us to grow. I saved the last, this space, as the greatest self-care. Making room for me to find the quiet I need for the words in my head to leave my fingertips is going to be glorious. There is so much I have to say, letting it escape will be cathartic.

I am what I am. I am who I am. All of my roles now fit comfortably within the larger picture of myself. I am Mighty within my own skin.

Mighty and so very grateful. Gratitude for the countless loves who have helped me, us, along this impossibly hard road emanates from me. We’re nowhere near the finish line, but we are strong. We are supported. We are loved and love in return.

Life is beautiful.

Reclaiming Mighty – This Might Only Make Sense to Me

As the chaos of the last few days fall behind me, I’m now looking at a surprise stretch of time where the kid load is going to be cut in half. Breathing space ahead. As I push forward trying to get myself completely back to good with Looming Intense Life Shit, what I know for sure is that things need to change.

Things need to change within me. I need to change how I interact with my day, with my life. Stop waiting for permission to live my truth, stop self censoring because I don’t want to deal with fallout. Continued bravery. The next few weeks, months, who knows is going to be one long exposure to triggering events and situations, facing deep fears that I have avoided until I couldn’t anymore. (Hello panic disorder, you’re always there aren’t you?)

I am Mighty. This is fact.

Sometimes I forget though. Which I did just now. Next is remembering my Mighty. Once my Mighty is fact for myself again, I must keep that truth closer to my soul.
.x.x.x.

For 20 years now I’ve listened endlessly to Ani Difranco, I’m a queer who came to be in the 90’s after all, and different lyrics or bits of her words are in my head more often than not. Today it’s been a snippet off Living in Clip, Distracted. It’s resonating with me.

“…Awww the fuckin wench just talking about love n shit, what happened to your politics? Is this is conscious move away from overly political song writing? blah blah blah. …No man, I just…I got kinda distracted. *laugh*” (This is off my memory of listening to that album on loop for about a year, I may have fucked up the exact words.)

I got kinda distracted.

Have I lost you now dear reader? That’s in my head because I want to reframe my loss of Mighty to a distraction, versus an actual loss. That I can be distracted, write within reason about my distractions, without losing my Mighty. I can be Mighty and distracted. Mighty and occasionally a hot mess. While I need to move away from asking permission constantly, the first step of that for me is giving myself permission to be Mighty and everything else. Permission to believe that Mighty is not just one state of being, that it can encompass all my other states. They can all be Mighty.