Life in Less Limbo

Y’all, it has been a week.

I’ve updated here and there as things have progressed, but it’s nice to put it all together so I can link instead of re-telling the story. As I said in my Surviving Life in Limbo… post, I’ve had a lot of concerning health issues pop up suddenly. Upside, they are rearing their ugly heads just as I finally have comprehensive health insurance. Bless my glorious marriage. Finally, I have progress and an update:

NO CANCER!!!

YAY!! CT Scan showed that my bladder is really unhappy but no signs of cancer. That and other tests have ruled cancer out. Que thrilled excitement.

 

Got this glorious news, made a bad-fucking-ass pot roast, and finally relaxed for a few hours. Watched MSNBC to hear my fantasy girlfriend Rachel Maddow talk about how Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire, and at commercial break, made the mistake of trying to pee.

Que mindbending pain. Acute, astonishing, stabbing, horrific pain shooting through my pelvis. On the only pain scale I consider to be legitimate, I was in “I am actively being mauled by a bear” that was living in my bladder.

This is the only pain chart that I consider to be legit. Thank you Hyperbole and a Half

This is the only pain chart that I consider to be legit. Thank you Hyperbole and a Half

Laid face down on our bed, one eye watching The Donald give a victory speech, which was not helping my pain levels at all, for most of the rest of the evening while fearing emptying my bladder ever again. Rachel Maddow kept making me laugh, which would also cause a pain spike. My emergency painkiller wasn’t doing anything and by morning I was looking for childcare so we could get me to the ER. I was biting and yelling into a towel, fearing any liquid. Okay, great, no cancer, but I feel like I’m dying. Thankfully, my Doctor found space to see me, because I loathe the ER. Would rather remove body parts in my bathroom than go through that bullshit.

I do not cry in public. It’s a thing. Have trouble letting my guard down enough to cry most of the time. I cried the whole way through the visit. No infection, nothing glaring on my CT scan, the best educated guess is Interstitial cystitis. That needs to be verified by a urologist, who I’ll be seeing asap. Interestingly, one of the treatments for interstitial cystitis is amitriptyline. The cause of my anorgasmia, #OrgasmQuest and a medication I stopped talking six weeks ago in favor of other medications that were previously beyond my financial means.

So, I’m back on amitriptyline. Last year when Quest started, this was the wonder drug for my depression, but as The Madness overtook our life and I hit one of the worst depressive episodes of my life, it stopped helping. Wellbutrin has been a better match for my depressive symptoms, with the added bonus of the return of my sex drive. When I get out of the acute pain, it will be interesting to see how both of those medications affect my sexuality. #OrgasmQuest is certainly not over.

First, I have to get out of this acute pain. I’m on mostly bed rest with pain management medication for the next few days. Friends and family are helping out and V has been amazing. I’ve spent most of the last two weeks curled around him in either pain or worry. They’ve been perfection in soothing my fears and taking care of my needs. I’m more comfortable in the caretaker role, much less as the patient, but they are keeping me from doing too much.

Meh

Really sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Progress though. At least it isn’t cancer, “just” probably another chronic pain condition that has no cure or great treatment plan. Yaaaayyyyy. *eye roll* So, that’s where I am. My body says I need to lie back down and pay more attention to the Democratic debate.

Thank you for all the love and good wishes. They mean the world to me. <3

Ahem, @buzzfeed? A quick note about antidepressants…

Buzzfeed has an article that is making the rounds, 16 Things No One Tells You About Taking Antidepressants.

Yay! Awesome! I am honestly thrilled to see more conversation that normalizes and de-stigmatizes taking antidepressants if needed. The piece has a lot of good information that’s shared in a positive and reassuring way. Again, awesome. Thank you.

That being said, let’s chat about “#5. Yes, they might affect your sex drive.”

I do enjoy this graphic

Antidepressants often have sexual side effects..

 No one tells you that sexual side effects can occur while on antidepressants?

*ahem*

If I could please direct you just over a few clicks to your Trashy” Feed. There, I linked it so it’s nice and easy. Scroll down a little over halfway down that page and note “This Woman Is Live-Tweeting Her Struggle To Orgasm On Anti-Depressants.”

Hi! That’s me.

Baby Crista!!

Selfie from right after I posted the first #OrgasmQuest post

A year later, still chillin on the “trashy” feed. Talking about how antidepressants can affect your sex life and ability to orgasm. Talking about how important it can be to prioritize your sex life/sexuality through depression if you are a sexual person. Talking about all the media attention I was getting and the bullshit I was dealing with because I deeply believe my message is vital.

Let me put this out there: Maybe. Just maybe, more people would be talking about the fact that medications can screw up your sex drive and orgasmic ability if they weren’t shamed or mocked for doing it.

Most of the comments on that article are great, and most of the votes are pretty okay. However this article on me/#OrgasmQuest – while marked “Win” – has stayed on the Trashy Feed for a fucking a year. I mean, thanks for the views an all, but seriously – the tag for the trashy feed says “adj. of poor quality …. Ugh, so trashy.” People are trying to tell people about how medications/antidepressants can affect sexuality, sex drive and orgasmic ability. Without being shamed.

Maybe try that.

Just sayin’

Edited to add: Re-reading this post 24 hours later I want to add that my issue/annoyance is not with the author of the piece. As I said at the top, I was/am thrilled to see good information shared in a positive and normative way about depression. I also don’t expect the author to know every article ever on Buzzfeed, especially one that is a year old. My annoyance is with Buzzfeed the site. I’ve seen a few articles that talk about the importance of de-stigmatizing depression/sexuality while a few clicks over I’m being stigmatized for talking about sexuality and depression. Apologies that I didn’t make that more clear at first.

Return of #OrgasmQuest!

#OrgasmQuest makes its return!!

#OrgasmQuest updates had to take a very sudden hiatus as the rest of my life went sideways. While I was unable to post about Quest, that doesn’t mean that I stopped Questing in my personal life by any means. Keeping Quest going for myself was one of the many ways I kept myself together through the most stressful and horrific period of my life. Now that we’re on the other side of that, it’s high time that #OrgasmQuest updates return. On to the Return of #OrgasmQuest!!!

#OrgasmQuest: Where I am now

As I approach the One year anniversary of Quest, I can absolutely call it a success. Over the quiet months I continued to make time for masturbation. That time was both as a coping mechanism like masturbation as always been for me and to continue working on regaining sensitivity and orgasmic ability. I can now reliably orgasm via masturbation and partnered sex!

Snapshot_2015218 (5)HUZZAH!!!!

I can reliably orgasm, but I am now orgasmically mortal. To get myself there I require extended foreplay, extra lubrication, and the orgasms that I have are still much weaker than those “universe creating” ‘gasms of the past. Multiple orgasms are mostly beyond my abilities, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I had an orgasm that included squirting. Trust me though, reliable orgasms again has improved my quality of life a great deal.

So happy

Cuddling my new Precious, the rechargeable Magic Wand

Over the summer there was the wonderful launch of the #MagicWandUnplugged. Those glorious folks at Good Vibrations were wonderful enough to send me one even though I wouldn’t be able to write about the glory for a while. I fell so in love with the Cordless Magic Wand that it completely replaced my corded model. (She has been lovingly retired with a place of honor in my locking #OrgasmQuest Toolbox.) The auto shut off had a learning curve for me, at first it was turning off on me right as I was getting there, but I’ve changed up my usage. Building up sensation at the lower speeds, turning it off to give my body a few seconds that build the craving for more stimulation, then turning it back up to ramp up through the third and fourth speeds.

The ability to have that Magic Wand power without planning where the nearest outlet is has made #OrgasmQuest time much easier, and the slightly lighter weight allows me to hold the wand longer and more comfortably. Earlier in an interview I was asked if I was comfortable giving the magic wand credit for the return of my orgasmic ability, which was answered with a VERY enthusiastic “YES!”

Another piece of my Anorgasmic puzzle that I’ve put together is that there is a strong hormonal component affecting my orgasmic ability. During my period and while I am ovulating is by far the easiest time for me to orgasm. The rest of the month I have to work for those orgasms, but during ovulation and menstruation? They are almost as easy as they were before anorgasmia struck. I am one year into having the Mirena IUD in place and will continue to track how that affects my orgasmic ability going forward.

The Future of #OrgasmQuest

Incredible progress has been made, but I am nowhere near done with #OrgasmQuest. Reliable orgasms are fantastic, but I want my full orgasmic experience back.  Multiple orgasms. Intense orgasms. Squirting. Perhaps Universe Creating Orgasms are beyond my ability, but I will keep working towards having them again.

I want to continue increasing my sensitivity. Love foreplay, but if I can get back to an orgasm with slightly less foreplay needed? That would be wonderful. Need to continue nurturing my Inner Sex Goddess. Plus, continued dedication to self care via pleasure is a wonderful component to keeping my mental health as positive as it can be.

Shortly, my dosage of amitriptyline will be increasing. This drug continues to be the best medication I have found for combating my depressive symptoms, but I have adjusted to the dosage I have been on for the last year. With the massive body blows we have taken in our personal family life, I’ve slipped deeper into depression than I’m comfortable with. There is a good chance that increasing dosage will change the progress I’ve made and I plan on keeping everyone updated with how those changes are affecting me on an orgasmic level and as a person with mental illness.

I love #freethewand and heartily endorse getting yourself one. (Of course I appreciate it if you grab yours via my links.) That being said, I want to expand my #OrgasmQuest arsenal. Have this glorious collection of exquisite sex toys from Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit that have yet to get the loving attention they so deserve. There will be many Quest posts talking about the successes and possible failures of these new options.

REALLY looking forward to spending quality time with The Rumble once it is released so I can compare and contrast the differences between the wands I now own. So much anticipation!

Finally: #OrgasmQuest inspired many others to begin their own Quests. I’ll be highlighting those posts along with ideas on how anyone can be empowered to join the fun. #OrgasmQuest became much bigger than myself or this site. It is one of my proudest achievements, and a project I plan on keeping going for the rest of my days.

Now a request! What do YOU want to read about regarding #OrgasmQuest? Comment below or contact me privately here. I want Quest to be as useful as possible. <3

Of course, #OrgasmQuest is possible with the glorious support of my #OrgasmQuest Sponsors: SheVibe, Tantus & Good Vibrations. Thank you all for being such amazing and supportive friends and loves through the recent up and downs!

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

Mentally hugging each and every one of you.

Quote

Microblogging: I love my Partnership

Usual Morning Conversation in my house…

“Baby? Was I masturbating in my sleep last night?”
“Maybe? You do that.”
“Oh, I know. I’ve been doing it since I was an infant. It’s the only reason I can think of why my hips and bits would be so sore today….”
“I had ear plugs in and I’ve stopped paying attention to your sleep jerking…”

Rumble – A Vibrator For Every Body

Tantus Launches Crowdfunding Campaign for the RUMBLE – A Vibrator For Every Body!

Tantus Rumble Vibe

While enjoying a few quiet moments inside the Bloggers Lounge at Woodhull, Metis took me aside and handed me the prototype of this beauty. A few second of Vibration against my thigh was all I needed to beg for this beauty to be reality as quickly as possible. See, I love wand style vibes. They are the types of vibes that work best for my body, especially since I began to experience anorgasmia. My Magic Wand and Magic Wand Unplugged have been absolute life & orgasm savers as I’ve made my way through #OrgasmQuest.

I do love both of those wands, and the Magic Wand will forever hold a place in my heart because of its history in bringing femme masturbation via Betty Dodson into the social consciousness. That being said, they are imperfect. The size and weight of the wands make them difficult for extended use, cleaning them can be a nightmare, and they are not remotely discrete. Smaller vibes can do the trick for me and many others, but they often have buzzy vibes versus the deeper rumble that works for a wider variety of bodies.

There is also the fact that many, if not most of these wand vibes are marketed with binary gendered language, which erases the ever-increasing number of folks with non-binary genders or dissuades others from trying because “That’s a sex toy for *blank* gender, not for me.” Now, if a vibrator isn’t your thing period – that’s perfectly fine. If you are one of the millions of people who enjoys the pleasure from a strong, deep rumble though – I’m betting this will be the vibrator for you.

From the IndieGoGo Page:

Tantus, Inc. is a small company with a big commitment to sexual health.
For nearly 20 years, Tantus has manufactured the safest, most pleasurable silicone toys possible for a diverse set of needs and body types. Like all of our sexual health products, we believe vibrators should be accessible, user-friendly, and should work for any body. But we couldn’t find a tech savvy vibrator that met our standards.

That’s why we’ve made Rumble, a vibrator to please every body.

Rumble 2

I love crowdfunding across the board, and am thrilled to see my beloved Tantus making this incredible vibrator possible via IndieGoGo. In case you missed the many links above – visit here for more information on Rumble, how to support the campaign, and the excellent incentives they are offering for donations.

When one of these beauties hits my doorstep I’ll give a more in-depth spotlight and let you know if this moves to the front of my vibrator queue. If those 15 seconds against my leg is any indication though, I’m positive that the Rumble will hit my list of sexual accessories that I cannot live without.

Make Rumble a Reality:

You can support Rumble financially from their IndieGoGo page or through shares.

Of course, I vote you share this post cause I like site traffic, but straight from their page is also awesome.

Spread the word far and wide my darlings!

@GoodVibesToys Is Helping Spread Sex-Positivity To Festival

I love @GoodVibesToys So Very Much. This year they are sponsoring my endless quest to spread Sex Positivity while on our Vacation.

Every year Val and I take a two-week vacation to Brushwood Folklore Center in NY for their two festivals. Brushwood is our home away from home, time where we completely unplug from the outside world and spend quality time with some of our dearest loves who are flung across the country. Last year we started volunteering, both working the gate. With my rainbow wardrobe, I have been christened within the community “Rainbow Brite of the Gate”.

Of course, I’m also known for my train case of sex toys & constant desire to have conversations around Sex Positivity. This community is a beautiful collection of hippies, pagans and free thinkers. These folks are, overall, not very tech savvy or on the web much – so these are people who are already on a sex positive path, but haven’t encountered the larger sex positive community.

This year Good Vibrations has been wonderful enough to send me a large box full of Sliquid Organics and Please Cream in Water & Silicone samples, Glyde condoms in Ultra & Wild Berry &….

  The coveted Rechargeable Magic Wand!

At Catalyst Con East I attended a panel by Carol Queen on What Sex Positivity Is and Isn’t. At the end she implored us to spread the truly positive, inclusive brand of Sex Positivity as much as we could. So I am taking this wonderful opportunity to do so while on our glorious vacation. For when Carol Queen makes a request, you know I’ll find a way to fulfill it.

To my beloved Brushwoodians who may be reading this, Rainbow Brite of the Gate will have all these glorious goodies at Elysium. Please feel free to drop by our camp to chat & check out the glory.

I am a Mighty Happy Crista.

Rainbow Brite of the Gate

Rainbow Brite of the Gate

#OrgasmQuest Continues With New Challenges…

I have no sex drive.

None.

Stress has completely erased all of my sexual being.

This astounds me. Just as I was getting to a point where I could orgasm reliably, the absurdity began. Desperately want a sex drive, it just simply does not exist. Hell, I finally got my coveted Njoy Eleven and it has yet to be used. Intellectually I desperately want to make time at night to get back to masturbating regularly, however when I get to that time?

Nope.

There is no appeal. I’m too worn out and moving is too much to ask. Even knowing that making the effort would really help, that staying in touch with my sexual self is a vital part of feeling joy in life for me, I continue to sit here. Not out of a depressive way, overall I’m feeling incredibly empowered, but being sexual holds no appeal for me.

I need to fix this. Like everything else that is going on now, the only way out is through. The only way to correct the absurdly long list of things that have gone wrong is to push through them all. Life is one long labor, birthing a new person and a new path.

On the upside, my sexuality is something that isn’t outside of my control. Reclaiming my sex goddess is something that I can fix on my own. I just need to find the will to start. #OrgasmQuest is more important than ever for me. It’s more important than ever for my long-term well-being. I will get back to where I want to be, but not tonight.

Tonight I’m sitting quietly, working on calming my brain so that tomorrow I can wake up and work on getting to where I actually want to be. This post isn’t one of my best, but starting to write out how I am feeling is how I begin to fix myself. I want my orgasm back, again, but now a different battle.

Thank the tap dancing dildo gods I’m a fucking Superhero.

I Cannot Explain It, but I can Orgasm Again! #OrgasmQuest @JimmyJane & @SheVibe

Perhaps this level of stress has broken my brain? I don’t know why, but I’m reliably having Orgasms with #OrgasmQuest..

Don't ask me, I'm just a queernicorn

Don’t ask me, I’m just a queernicorn

My menstrual cycle is over, my medications have not changed even through this period of extreme stress. No changes in diet as I have friends and loves who remind me to eat when I forget. I have no real explanation for the how or why, but I’m having orgasms. Consistently now.

They are not the Universe Creating, touching the divine orgasms that I previously easily achieved, but they are glorious. Perhaps there is a god and she loves me? I’ve broken my brain operating through this much stress and processing trauma? If anything I would think that my body would be even less likely to process the orgasm, yet here I am.

Yesterday, on a whim, I attempted solo manual stimulation for the first time in weeks and had a delightful orgasm within minutes. The Magic Wand can get me off so quickly there isn’t time to fantasize or get into the experience. Not quite to the point I was at where I could work my PC muscles into a hands free orgasm, but it feels fucking fantastic.

So, I’ve delved into my collection of Quest Items. Let’s talk JimmyJane Form 5 shall we?

Yes, I am officially a fan!

Yes, I am officially a fan!

I’m enamored with this delightful product. When it isn’t being use as intended, I find myself fiddling with it as I write or respond to messages. When I requested to try it out, my main interest was to expand beyond the basic vibes I’ve always relied upon. Using the Form 5 in masturbation (I’ve yet to use it within partnered sex contexts, but that will happen.) is fun! With liberal use of Sliquid h20, I’m pretty sure I could spend hours twirling the supple wings up, down and over my labia. As I have an exceptionally sensitive clitoris, I find the inner bump, or pleasure dome to be perfection with moderate pressure.

Shockingly, I don’t find myself annoyed by the vibration modes. Usually options I don’t even bother with. They’re fun to play with, I find switching between them easy – even with lubed fingers that do not grip well. In the end I could live without them, but unlike 90% of the other vibes I’ve used with patterns, they don’t frustrate me. That’s saying a lot. While I don’t review often, this pussy has experienced more sex toys than I could begin to count.

While not an inexpensive item, if all of my money wasn’t going to a gorram custody battle, I’d be willing to fork over $145 for a delightful, unique and tap dancing dildo gods pleasurable product like the Form 5.

As always, I point you to SheVibe’s page for all the finer details of the Form 5. They do such a wonderful job giving their customers easy to understand information on their products. In case you missed the links before – Check the Form 5 Out Here.

This is the Greatest Header In The History Of Ever

This is the Greatest Header In The History Of Ever

 Disclaimer/Disclosure: SheVibe sent me this delightful vibe in exchange for an honest review, which is exactly what this is. Should you make the wise decision to buy any one for yourself, or any of their other fantastic offerings via my links, I will get a small commission from those sales. That amount of money is not enough to sway the views I’ve expressed here. If you are overwhelmed by your options, I have spent many years working in sex toy retail. You can contact me with questions or to set up a time for us to chat about your sexual accessory needs.

 

Oh My Stars, It’s an #OrgasmQuest Update!

Surprise! An Actual #OrgasmQuest Post!

Now that I have gotten my mental health and personal posts out of my system, it’s been far too long since I’ve updated y’all on Quest. Ready?

Let’s do this.

#OrgasmQuest is now approaching its third month, and progress is absolutely being made. The last proper #OrgasmQuest update was about Orgasmic Partnered Sex – feel free to pause and read back if needed. I left off still in a blissful place from touching my universe creating orgasms, sadly I am here to report that they have not returned.

There is more going on than just the amitriptyline, just before I began that glorious anti-depressant, I also had the mirenda IUD installed. I’ve not used any form of hormonal birth control in over a decade, adjusting to the hormones has been an experience. My cycle is currently unpredictable (as expected), shorter than before (Thank fucking fuck) but my hormones/mood are a force to be reckoned with. Right as I hit my cycle, my orgasmic ability comes back to a degree.

Right now I’m having my cycle, so I made sure to get my self-care/masturbation/Quest time this evening. After just a few minutes with the magic wand on the lower setting and a nice fantasy about a crush of mine, I experienced a delightfully intense wave of multiple body orgasms. Vaginal contractions, I became too sensitive to have the wand touching my vulva any longer, twitching, muscles contracting, back arching. It felt amazing, I was without pain for a period. First time that I’ve had multiple orgasms in what feels like forever.

My brain still did not register the experience as an orgasm, I physically felt the response, but my brain didn’t register the pleasure. Once it was over, I laid in my bed for a while sorting through the sensations. It was great that I got off quickly, great that I was able to have a physical orgasm via clitoral stimulation alone. I did get some pain relief from the orgasms, which is new and a step closer to the Universe Creating Orgasms I’m used to having.

Still not there yet. Trying not to be frustrated.

With partnered sex, to be honest, with our recent stress/illness there hasn’t been a ton of that. Partnered sex is still wonderful, I still crave it, it’s still enjoyable when I do not orgasm. If I do, its gentle waves of pleasure. Lovely, intimate, relationship bonding, but I still miss the extreme pleasure busts.

Snapshot_2015217 (17)Beyond making my dreams come true with the #OrgasmQuest Superhero status, my loves at SheVibe sent me the exquisite Vesper Crave vibrator necklace & the JimmyJane Form5. Need more personal time with both of these delightful items before I write them up, but I’m really excited about both. If you walk into my house for any reason, it’s a guarantee that I’ll be compelled to show them off to you. The necklace is lovely, I wear it daily. The Form5 offers different sensations than any other sex toy I’ve tried, which is wonderful.

Exploring both of them s part of my plans for Quest time this week and I’m very excited. Hiatus over, #OrgasmQuest is still going strong.

This is the Greatest Header In The History Of Ever

This is the Greatest Header In The History Of Ever

Reclaiming My Universe Creating Orgasm – #BOAW15 #OrgasmQuest

The long reclamation of my inner Sex Goddess

As my regular readers know – and now a good deal of the world – I’ve been on an #OrgasmQuest since December. Let me give a “quick” overview for any new readers: My identity has been in constant flux, ever-changing, but two things have been constants. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Empowered Sexuality. I came out of the womb depressed, but I also came out of the womb with a hand on my clitoris. Never shamed for exploring my body, I was taught early on that it was my “feeling good stuff”, it was a private experience and when I needed Feeling Good Stuff Time, I should do so in the privacy of my bedroom. This started my life long love of masturbation.

When I am in dark places due to my mental illness, I can orgasm as a way to remind myself that there are pleasurable feeling to be had. Not a cure for my depression, not a fix, but a tool that I’ve used as long as I can remember to keep myself going. My ability to find pleasure in the darkness saved me more times than I can count.

The added bonus from a lifetime of masturbation is that I have always been highly orgasmic. As an adult, I experienced orgasms that felt like touching the divine. While the label of my sexuality has often been in flux, that I am a highly sexual creäture has been a constant.

Five years ago I became a mother, which changed endless aspects of my life. It’s nearly impossible to feel sexy when your almost dying of sleep deprivation, covered in goodness knows what, your will overridden by that tiny person I created. Again, masturbatory orgasms helped me. I was able to remind myself that while everything else seemed to have dramatically changed, for a few moments I could be blissful.

After my second child, creating a life with my Partner-In-Everything, XVO, and adding his children into the mix – my depression became more than I could handle on my own. I found an amazing doctor and we decided to try an older antidepressant to help me. Oh, does it help me. On Amitriptyline for the first time in my life I truly enjoy being alive. My mental health is finally at a place where I can stay that I’m good.

The drawback is that one of the side effects is Anorgasmia – the inability to orgasm even with proper stimulation. This side effect affects countless people and there is a deep stigma about speaking aloud about how disruptive losing orgasm or libido can be on the entirety of someone’s life. So, I’m fighting back. This medication works on every other level, so I am uninterested in changing medications. I opted to go on a public #OrgasmQuest, and have invited anyone who is interested to read along with my journey.

This brings you up to speed on #OrgasmQuest, but Quest isn’t all that I am doing to reclaim my Sexual Goddess status. Motherhood, parenting, these are also huge stumbling blocks on the path to empowered sexuality. I am a queer woman in an open partnership, so I cultivate passionate friendships as I can. Make time for myself to be something other than Mama, stepping away from my motherhood role and passing the torch to the other parents in our world.

What does that look like for me? I revel in my beauty, my sexuality, through selfies. My career is that of a sexuality writer and educator – specializing in sex toys, so I write here in non explicit but frank terms about my masturbation and sex toy use. I put on elaborate makeup for myself, when I want to feel beautiful and empowered even though all I may do that day is write and clean the house. I make space for intimacy with my love. Flirt with trusted friends. As I work from home, I play with wild hair colors and vibrant clothing.

My universe creating orgasms have yet to fully return. Had one blissful evening when hormones overrode the side effects and I touched the divine again and again, but over all I’m not where I want to be. Most of my orgasms are physical now, vaginal contractions, wobbly legs, but my brain doesn’t experience the pleasure spike. This is progress though, and I have no plans on ending my Quest any time soon.

This may sound to woo” for some of my readers, I understand, it’s a little to woo for me too. However, I do feel a connection to Inanna, my personal spiritual path is close to that of paganism, and she is my Goddess. I am connected to the sacred whore and see myself as one. I refuse to lose this vital piece of my identity in exchange for finally having relief from most of my mental illness.

If you value pleasure, and I do make room for people who do not because that is a valid way to feel, I believe it is your birthright. I know that pleasure is mine, I revel in the pleasures that I can find now, and continue to fight to regain the fullness of my inner Sex Goddess.

Orgasmic Partnered Sex! & How This Relates to #OrgasmQuest

Last night I opened up my Ask Box on Tumblr before I put kiddo to bed, planning to answer the questions as my Friday night entertainment. This would have been an entertaining way to spend an evening for me, however my plans changed after the getting child to bed took four times longer than it should have. Instead, I crawled into bed with XVO, we left our computers closed to have some very needed us time.

Part of that very needed us time was incredibly awesome sex, where I had….

The Return of My Universe Creating Orgasms!

Yep, that's an orgasmic smile

Yep, that’s an orgasmic smile

I’m glowing today. One of those glows where you could look at me and go “yeah, she had amazing sex last night.” Which is incredibly accurate. Grand times were had by all, but mostly by me. Afterwards I rocked an intense pleasure high for a good hour, rolling around occasionally cackling about how my Sex Goddess Orgasms were not completely gone. There may have been joyful tears. What can I say, I really fucking missed those.

So! What does this mean? Well, best case option is that the anorgasmia as a side effect of my antidepressant (again, I am on a tricyclic antidepressant called amitriptyline) is fading away, as can happen after the first few months of being on a medication. That’s ideal for me, as it means in a few more weeks/months I could be back to having my masturbatory lifehack back & enjoy being alive!

It could mean that given the right level of intimacy, foreplay, and partnered connection, my empathetic pleasure connection with XVO overrides the anorgasmia. That might be too much “woo” for some people, but I’ve always gotten off on getting other people off, so for me – that’s a thing. We’ve had partnered sex where I’ve had orgasms, but they were light waves of pleasure. No, last night, that was back to creating universes with the power of my orgasm as well as being so multi-orgasmic that I stopped being able to tell when one ended and the next began. Which had been more or less my standard sexual experience.

After my masturbatory Orgasm the other night, I had not been able to recreate the results with the Magic Wand alone, or with the magic wand/Tsunami combo. Today I haven’t had the privacy to see if I can achieve universe creating orgasms on my own, but that will happen. Obviously, I’ll let you know.

Another factor that cannot be ignored is that I am menstruating, so my hormones may have come into play with my ability to orgasm intensely. There is a great deal of we’ll see and perhaps going on with this post. Obviously I need to have a great deal more solo and partnered sex – for science.

For the moment? I’m going to bask in the fact that I came like I’m used to for the first time in months. Tap dancing dildo gods, I needed that. Orgasmic Partnered Sex for the win, for me. Huzzah!

#OrgasmQuest Update: It was a Team Effort, but We Have Orgasm!

#OrgasmQuest has been far too much about the media response to Quest and far to little on the actual Quest itself recently, so let’s fix that shall we?

The chance to work on #OrgasmQuest came earlier than usual tonight, but I saw my moment and I embraced it.

That was totally (kinda sorta) an Orgasm!!!

My old orgasmic state spoiled me, oh how it spoiled me, but that folks? That was an orgasm. Vagina contractions, wobble legs and my brain finally registered the pleasure spike along with it. I AM MIGHTY!!!!

 

Crista Anne is Mighty

I am Mighty!!

That’s forever my I AM MIGHTY picture. Anyway! ORGASM HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU!!!

As mentioned in the title, it was a team effort. Let’s give three cheers to GoodVibes’ Please Cream Lubricant, The Original Magic Wand and what I believe was the star of the show, Tantus’ Tsunami!!!

YES

This is my I Am Mighty I Orgasmed Face!!

Glorious hollow area for a bullet or a finger, which saves my hands from extreme pain

Glorious hollow area for a bullet or a finger, which saves my hands from extreme pain

I do give the Tsunami credit for getting me over the edge. After a liberal application of Please Cream, the size, shape and curve instantly ramped up my baseline pleasure level. I opted to remove the bullet from the base of the tsunami so I could use a finger in the hollow area of the base to keep gentle but constant pressure that was easy on my hands. The vibration from the Magic Wand is gloriously (for me) intense, so when I slid the head of the wand down my vulva to meet the base of the Tsunami, the vibrations transferred through wonderfully. I’m not a huge fan of intense internal vibration, the amount transferred was perfect for me.

This was not a quick and easy Orgasm. Before meds I could orgasm in under five minutes, this was closer to twenty. I did get close a few times over that period, but determination combined with extra rocking motion with the Tsunami did finally get me over the edge. Universes were not created, I did not see stars, the length of the orgasm itself was about a fourth of the earlier version, but I am not complaining! I FUCKING CAME!!!

No, obviously this is not the end of #OrgasmQuest. Need to recreate the results (because science!) Try to see if I am adjusting to the Amitriptyline and the anorgasmic side effect is wearing off naturally, if I can orgasm with a different collection of sex toys, no toys at all, and if I can get those universe creating orgasms back. Massive awesome fantastic stress relieving step forward though. Oh my stars, I needed that.

Of course, because I am me, there were a collection of celebratory selfies taken. Please forgive the darkness, but I snapped them from my rainbow covered quest area within my office.

Tap dancing dildo gods, thank you to my beloved Good Vibes and Tantus, for without them, I’d still be a frustrated little rainbow of a Crista. Now, let’s see what tomorrow holds.

 

(Remember: Tantus will take 15% off your entire order when you use the code “#OrgasmQuest” at checkout) 

#OrgasmQuest Box of Tantus Love!!

 

#OrgasmQuest Box of Tantus Love!!

The post about how thrilled I was to have Tantus jump on board with #OrgasmQuest got a little lost as it happened in the midst of the Dr Drew show absurdity. Fixing that now, because two segments on a TV show end, but Tantus products last a lifetime. Tuesday, through sleet and snow, a glorious box of wonderful goodies arrived at my door..

Yes, I do live by the "I licked it, IT'S MINE" rule

Yes, I do live by the “I licked it, IT’S MINE” rule

After I finished hugging the box and taking selfies of my joy at the box, I shut myself in my office to find out what was inside. When talking to them about Quest products, I said that I’d yet to meet a Tantus product that I did not love, so please surprise me. I love surprises.

That my darlings, is the glorious Echo Handle in the exquisite swirled blue that most of Sex Toy Twitter has been raving about. Similar to the iconic Echo, this version has extended ergonomic grip at the base to make thrusting easier. The regular Echo has been a favorite of mine for years, I love the consistent G-Spot stimulation that the Echo provides, the ergonomic grip of the Echo Handle is a gift from the tap dancing dildo gods for people with mobility issues (like myself!!) regarding their hands. Also wonderful for those of us who live in bigger bodies! A problem I’ve had with all dildos over the last few years, as my ability to grip has declined, is holding the bases while using them. I love the thrusting motion when using a dildo, but it has been incredibly hard for me to do for more than a few moments. The Echo Handle is about to be a game changer for me.

Opened that package, squealed joyfully across social media about this item, then my life went sideways across the board. Had to stop my gleeful unpacking, close the box back up, and secure it within my closet to return to my main job as Mommy. Since then every time I’ve gone to see what other glory was inside, something has suddenly needed my attention.

You cannot imagine how hard it has been to know they are sitting there waiting for me, but not being able to look. Now I am looking!!

Eeee!!!!!!!

Okay my darlings, behold the beauty above while I tell you what these beautiful sexual tools are. Featured above is the Flex – Limited Edition Dildo! That lovely purple darling with attached soft flexible anal beads. This product is excellent for experimenting with double penetration with the dildo offering that full sensation while small anal beads extend pleasure. Obviously I just pulled this out of the box so I cannot give you my personal take, but I’m excited to report back with my experience.

Maybe you wouldn’t call a butt plug adorable, but that’s always what I’ve thought when I’ve seen the Perfect Plug – adorably perfect. Over the last few years I took a little vacation from anal play, but (heh) I’ve wanted to go back so having this in my box of love thrills me. The Perfect Plug is aptly named in my Professional Opinion. When I worked in Sex Toy Retail, my constant refrain was “your eyes are bigger than your butt” meaning that people always thought they wanted a larger anal toy than they actually did. Even more true for those just starting out. The Perfect Plug is about the width of my ring finger, with a tapered head and narrow neck for the most comfort possible. Also, their new anchor base means that the plug is much more comfortable than the standard round flared base. I cannot wait to lube that bit of perfection up and give it a go.

Remember! When engaging in any kind of anal play, lube is everything. While this was not in my box of love, Tantus carries one of my personal favorite lubes: Sliquid Sassy H2O Backdoor Gel Lubricant. Sliquid products are some of the safest on the market as they do not contain Glycerin & paraben, are 100% vegan, and are entirely made in the USA. This one is a water based gel, so it’s thick but non-staining. If you make the brilliant decision to pick up an anal product from Tantus, add that to your cart too. (Remember: discount code #OrgasmQuest gets you 15% the entire purchase!)

Last but not least, most excitingly even, is the Tsunami in what I like to think of as Crista Pink. I love my Echo, the Tsunami has more prominent waves for G-Spot stimulation and a great gentle curve. BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE! This has a perfectly flared base for harness compatibility (I cannot wait to put it into my Black Widow Harness) and a spot in the base for the included, surprisingly high powered, bullet. The premium quality silicone that all tantus products are made from transfers vibration incredibly well, so I am always pleased to find that while the vibe is in the base, it carries through the toy. Personally, I tend to use the bullet for direct stimulation on the clitoral head while also enjoying a mild thrusting with the dildo itself.

Surprisingly, that’s not all that is in my box of love! However, my Mom job calls so we shall split this into multiple posts. Soon! The great reveal of the rest of my Box of Tantus Love!

Remember folks, clear your cookies, click my links and then enter code “#OrgasmQuest” to get 15% off your entire order.

Use discount code "#OrgasmQuest" to get 15% off your entire order!

Use discount code “#OrgasmQuest” to get 15% off your entire order!

Crista Anne on #OrgasmQuest–the Carol Queen Interview!

My longtime readers are well aware of this, but for all you wonderful new people, Carol Queen is my idol. Since I discovered her work over a decade ago, my ultimate dream has been to do and put out work that earned her respect. I do mean ultimate dream, it’s what I would have wished for first if I found a magic lamp.

That dream has come true: Carol Queen calls me a “rainbow-colored pleasure revolutionary!”

Everyone who does any sort of sex education or sex therapy has probably heard from people who have issues with orgasm and/or arousal once they go on antidepressants. It’s a terrible conundrum: Sexual dysfunction can itself be an effect of––even diagnostic for––depression, but the treatment for that depression alters brain chemistry and often results in sexual problems too. Blogger Crista Anne is fighting back! With her project #OrgasmQuest she’s shedding light both on depression and sexual response, and her wise words are being heard in perhaps-suprising places: She was interviewed last week by Dr. Drew, got some love from Cosmo, and of course the usual sex-positive and feminist and lady-culture suspects have talked to her too. Now it’s my turn!

Read the Rest at Good Vibes blog

I have so much more to say on this entire experience, but my Mommy Duty calls! While I’m being super Mama, check out my wonderful #OrgasmQuest sponsor, Good Vibes. They are dear to my heart and have had a vital role in my development from Wee Outlaw Dildo Peddler to Rainbow Hued Badass.

I Swing into Life on the Swingset podcast with #OrgasmQuest

#OrgasmQuest takes over Life on the Swingset!!

swingsetthumb“The Swingset welcomes back Crista Anne to discuss her recent commitment to herself; to find a path back to self-orgasm through once a day masturbation. Through her very personal and public #OrgasmQuest Crista is documenting her navigation through life-long depression, antidepressants, self-care, living and loving life and parenting and today she shares it all with us, and we share our stories with her.”

On a personal note, over the last few months the Swingset Crew (as I like to think of them) have become some of my dearest friends. While I have been a fan of the podcast for a long time, only recently have we connected personally & professionally to make some really fantastic content & conversations. This is by far my favorite podcast that I’ve done. Let me give you a peek behind the scenes.. Continue reading