I’ve been posting again, as you’ve probably noticed. Trying to get my words back, trying to get back into the particular personal mindset that used to be so natural to me as a Professional Oversharer. It’s hard. It’s so much harder than I thought. To be fully and painfully honest – I’ve been utterly unreliable with writing. For a bit, flat out cannot do it. My mind says “Of course you can write that – it’s a blog post you could do in your sleep.” Which is mostly true, my experience with writing simple blog posts is so vast I should and could do basics in my sleep.
The problem is that when I start to get into sex blogging – reviewing, writing out basic tips and tricks, talking about my sexuality – PTSD kicks my ass. As I type, my brain goes “Are these words going to end up in court again? Is this the review that is entered into evidence of you being unfit? How will this be used against me?”
By the time my brain hits that last line, I’m sobbing at my computer until I close it and then put my head on it to cry more. (I didn’t use to be a crier, but the last two years have changed me so much.) It’s hard to face that one of the things you love most, that a skill and tool that used to be so healing and freeing now fills me with pain, dread, fear and panic.
My loves at Vibrant – a new company that I am so in love with and so euphoric to support alongside the other folks who are Doing It Right – have been beyond kind and patient with me. I’ve been writing a very simple product highlight for almost two weeks. Taking so long because I have to stop and cry. Stop and calm the panic down. Stop and remind myself where I am in my timeline. That it is okay, I can do this again, that period is over.
You can be you again. You can be opinionated and openly sexual. You can write and share and be vulnerable again.
The next tab over is the Product Highlight that’s done, editing it now, crying. Writing this stream of conscious post about how scared and panicked I am is somehow far less scary. Putting up this picture of me crying, because I want to be vulnerable and soft online again – is far less scary. The last two years hurt me, but I am going to push through and get this back. Because I need this. I need to be able to do and write posts, reviews, sexuality rants. That is all part of my core now.
Just gotta cry it out first.