My pain is not polished.

This post was written in October, 2016 – when I was positive we’d have Madam President right now and the “Grab em by the Pussy” tape had just leaked. On this day of protests, strikes, backlash, dudes being absurd man babies because something isn’t about them, and that this horrible monster is president, I’m reposting the piece in full, but you can see the orginal Medium post here.

No, I am not done yet. Nowhere near done.

I am going to continue to dump my intense fury, very raw pain and oh my stars y’all. The disillusionment. I *knew* that sexism would crawl out from under rocks like racism did with President Obama, I’ve been steeling myself for it. Assumed that as I interact with MRAs I’d be ahead of the curve.

I did not see being gaslighted by a large portion of my government, elected officials, writers I once respected, the nominee of the Republican party. I do not use the term gaslighting lightly either. (Few people I know do, but I know I’m facing the trope of the liberal feminist killjoy.) Since Friday I have been yelling at my screens, tweeting at people pleading to stop using victim blaming framing… Read More

Over your shit.

Healing and Mother’s Day

Val and the kids made me a wonderful Mother’s Day card, I’ve tacked it up next to my laptop because it constantly makes me smile. High fever and all, yesterday was the best Mom’s day I’ve had so far – a lot of it thanks to my Mother In Law (to be). She brought rainbow cake and enough lunch that it spread into multiple meals. Meaning my sick self didn’t have to deal with cooking. That’s really the greatest gift you can give me.

V and his Mom have had a strained relationship that recently has been reconciled, so I’m only now getting to know her. At our first meeting I learned that she’d kept tabs on me, read my site, kept up with #OrgasmQuest, and had apparently stopped a lovely person with rainbow hair out in the world to snap a picture for me. She did so before we met and that warmed my heart greatly. My openness goes beyond her comfort level, which is true for many people, but she said something like my doing a good job talking about the important things most others are afraid to. That’s amazing. That’s fucking everything. Accepting me as I am? Priceless.

I do not put myself in the middle of V’s relationships with people. That includes his relationship with his Mother. I had not met her, so I supported whatever decisions he made on what he wanted their relationship to look like. Also knew that the estrangement was incredibly painful for him, so I’d long hoped for this time when they repaired bonds.

Seeing them together is delightful. Seeing someone else with his mannerisms, speech patterns, all that wonderfulness was just so amusing to watch. As I get to know her better, I’ve immense respect for her. She is a fantastically brilliant, accomplished woman. The kids lives are better for having another strong woman in their sphere.

We had a conversation that involved sexism within the workplace, I ended up interrupting her a few times to just say “my stars, I adore you.” Hell, I’m better for having another strong woman in my life to talk to when the grind gets me down. My family is full of them, but I’ll always take more ass-kicking role models.

I’m happy for us that this period of healing has occurred. Happy that our family is growing together instead of apart. The daily doses of bullshit wear me down, have kept me quiet and within my bubble, but the only way out is through and we’ve got incredible strength on our side.

An Open Letter to Folks in the Sex & Depression Conversation

This post is the results of JoEllen Notte (The Redhead Bedhead) and my endless conversations about what we love and hate about the conversations coming out regarding sexuality and depression. After the glorious response from her Must Read post: 5 Tips For Writing About Sex & Depression we decided to expand upon that and share our thoughts with the world.

PSA: An Open Letter to Folks in the Sex & Depression Conversation

By JoEllen Notte & Crista Anne

It’s heartening to see so many people talking about sex and depression, sharing their experiences, normalizing this topic that can be so scary and isolating for so many people – that is amazing. We are both thrilled by the increase in discourse!

What is a bit alarming, however, is the practice of drug-promoting. Let us explain…

We often say that when we talk about sex and depression we are standing at the intersection of two taboo topics. When we decide to talk about sex on the internet we have a huge responsibility to our audience.  Unlike if we were writing about, say, fashion, we are dealing with a very vulnerable audience, an audience that is looking to us for the answers to questions they are afraid to ask. We have a responsibility to not lie to them. A responsibility to not make them feel bad about themselves (the world does enough of that already), to do our homework so we can provide accurate information, to be good at our jobs, to be worthy of their trust.  When we decide to add mental health to the conversation we are increasing our responsibility exponentially because the vulnerability of our audience increases. Keeping that in mind is vital.

It may seem like no big deal to say “I fixed my problem with this drug” but let’s open that up a bit.

Who are you saying that to? You are saying that to a reader who is dealing with sexual dysfunction brought on by depression and/or its treatment – someone who is looking for answers. You are saying it to someone who feels broken. You are speaking with authority. You have a shiny website. Most importantly you claim to have solved the very problem they have – you have their answer. Now they think they need to go get the drug you have recommended.

So what happens when their insurance doesn’t cover that drug and they, who are already feeling like life is beating them down, are dealt another blow? What happens when they go to their doctor and she tells them that drug is completely wrong for them because it doesn’t fit their symptoms and now they feel more powerless than they did before? What happens when when they take that drug and it doesn’t work for them leaving feeling even more broken than when they came to your site to begin with? What happens then? These are all the things you need to think about before you announce that you have the “answer” with a brand name and a dosage amount.

Similarly, the practice of comments field drug suggesting (ex. “Why don’t you just take ______?” “The only good thing for that is _____.” or even “Just switch drugs!”) is problematic.

Why? Because it calls into question the ability of the person dealing with depression to make choices about their own body. It adds another person telling them what to do. It takes away a part of their bodily autonomy. Depression robs people of their bodily autonomy, their agency, in a huge way – it acts like an unwanted parasite on a host body- and by telling people who may be happy with their drug apart from this one side effect that (duh!) they just need to switch you are stomping on what little control they have left. Further, as all our bodies are different, you have no business telling them what drug will work for them because you do not know – what worked for you (or your sister, or your friend, or whatever) may not work for them at all. Finally, when we do things like this on the internet we are doing three things:

  1.  Contributing to a confusing conversation where (often) multiple people are offering differing accounts of what THE answer is. This is unhelpful
  2. Announcing an answer to all the world – this isn’t the same as making a suggestion to your friend. This is the internet- you are making this suggestion to EVERYONE.
  3. Shaming the person you are making the suggestion to. Yes, yes, you didn’t intend to. You thought you were helpfully passing on the name of something you have heard helps but people with depression get hundreds of those suggestions and eventually they all start to sound like “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” “WHY AREN’T YOU WORKING HARDER TO FIX THIS?!” “YOU HAVE TO TRY!”

The thing is, this is hard, important, necessary work and it comes with ethical standards that are higher than other forms of sex writing. You can’t review a drug like you do a vibrator. This can’t be a topic one jumps into because it’s hot and they want to capitalize on a hashtag – you have to be ready to work on this when it isn’t trending. This is hard, important and necessary work and when one person handles it indelicately it costs many of us the trust of the world – trust we have to work on building back up. We have to, en masse, accept the responsibility that comes with opening up this conversation. This is hard, important, necessary work and we’re thrilled to be doing it together.

-Crista Anne & JoEllen Notte

These have to be amusing to y’all as well…

(Another day, another “Crista is too tired to write a real post” update.)

These are the search terms folks have used to find this site since #OrgasmQuest went viral. They have to be amusing to y’all as well.

  • crista anne nude
  • crista anne naked
  • crista anne porn
  • crista anne nude pics
  • crista anne pussy
  • crista anne ass
  • nsfw selfie
  • crista anne video
  • crista anne masturbating
  • www crista more hot sex.in.com
  • cristaanne naak
  • wwwcrista more hot sex.com
  • crista anne orgasm videos
  • polyamory (Aw, yeah. Who has SEO skills? This woman.)
  • my sex lufe by glitter magic
  • selfie sexie christa
  • www.crista sexy.com
  • summoning the glitter gods
  • mustache ride nsfw
  • crista annabdr drew
  • glitter dildo sex toy
  • christa anne dildo

*drumroll* AND NOW MY FAVORITE!!!

  • joellen notte’s sexuality

For the record, JoEllen is obviously a Crista-sexual.

Now, I washed my hair, this happened & I’ve decided to let my hair just live its life however it chooses.

I don't question my hair's life choices.

I don’t question my hair’s life choices.

Thoughts on today’s adventure regarding Buzzfeed, #OrgasmQuest, & xoJane

I’m off the trending list on Buzzfeed, so I now can relax.

Introverted Crista is Introverted

I wave hello to you all.

Remember when I said that I was swearing off media for the week because I was burned out and needed to focus on parenting? Apparently my pants are on fire. When my buddy Andy at Good Vibes mentioned the possibility of doing an interview with Carol Fucking Queen, that went right out the fucking window, because Carol Queen. No disrespect to any of the amazing journalists that I have talked to or will in the future, but nothing can top being interviewed by your foremost idol. If you haven’t read that interview yet, please do, because it’s a physical realization of my Ultimate Dream come true.

Around this time I was contacted by  from Buzzfeed UK. She said she’d been following #OrgasmQuest, related to my story and wanted to cover it. We bounced emails back and forth, I felt really comfortable with her, and the no interviews this week rule flew out the window. When I do read buzzfeed, I tend to look over there because I find their stories less sensational and snarky. The interview was fantastic, Maggy is an excellent interviewer, and the final piece is something that I really enjoy. If it wasn’t about me, I’d have been sharing it everywhere.

I woke up this morning with the article already approaching 100k views, top of the trending list, and with more new twitter followers than I knew what to do with. You don’t even want to know what my email and IM’s looked like. At the same time I had to prepare a small child for a trip to the dentist, so it’s safe to say that chaos reigned.

Once I was able to engage with social media, I had the amazing experience of positive interactions with most of my heroes, idols, and revolutionaries. Going through my twitter mentions, it now seems that almost every really fucking awesome person there is now follows me. (Yes, I know, I only have 2200ish followers. My criteria for really fucking awesome is quite high.) Most of today was really, really fun.

Then it hit me that out of everyone I idolize, the only two people that I haven’t had a conversation with that involved mutual respect are Rachel Maddow and Ani Difranco. Heck, maybe I’ll change that tomorrow. Who knows!

I have not looked at the comments section on buzzfeed nor the FB page. I choose to only engage with the people who found me on twitter. Maybe I’ll do that later, Val tells me that it’s mostly positive with flashes of absurdity. I do need to go back to the comment section of my xoJane article, because it’s part of the agreement I signed as a freelancer. Hopefully that isn’t horrible.

Regarding xoJane, I’ve been in contact with their head of social media. Again – everyone within the xoJane staff has been a pleasure to collaborate with. It’s their comment section that are just horrific. I’ve expressed this to them so I’ll repeat it here. Warning their writers about how vitriolic or at best snarky the commenting community is before they publish would go a long way. When I wrote a Sex Diary for NYMag, one of the first things I was told was that people loved to rip the diaries to shreds. With that knowledge going in? I prepared myself for the worst, turned out to be fine.

I’m not “whining” about people being mean to me. Nor am I going to produce the threats to “prove” they existed. I’m not playing that game. Why? Cause there is no winning. So either believe me or not. Really don’t have any fucks to give there. I do loathe our internet culture of snark first, be reasonable later. That’s not an xoJane problem, it’s pervasive. It’s also far more intense when you are a femme presenting person. Still, not gonna shut me up. I’ve been writing for as long as some of these people have possibly been alive.

A lot of comments across all articles have been “oh look, a new person trying to be internet famous for nothing”. Nothing I say will change those people’s minds, but I can tell you that I do feel relief at not being trending anymore. I’m an introvert. Sure, I like attention, but I also like down time. Now that I’m not trending, I feel like there is down time. If you look at my archives for this site, you’ll notice a six month gap in posting. That is because pre-#OrgasmQuest, this site was entirely me writing for me.

This site is going to stay me writing for me.

I’ve invited a few other people to write as well, XVO/Val – My partner has posted and will post more in the future. He is my Partner-in-Everything, so I want his voice to be expressed here as well. Some people have asked to share their #OrgasmQuest stories, I’m thrilled to add them. #OrgasmQuest isn’t going to end when the media attention ends, it will continue for as long as it needs to. It may evolve. I’m open to whatever comes next.

So, now I am off to respond to comments at xoJane and then? Then I reward myself. Remember that big box of love from Tantus? Life has been so intense that I haven’t opened it fully yet. So that’s my reward after this long day, I’m going to gleefully discover what is inside and then spam twitter with my glee.

That’s my self care, and it will be delightful.

Microblogging: My Unicorn Hoodie

For everyone who has asked about my unicorn hoodie, here it is!

You can get one here: Leg Avenue Women’s Cozy Unicorn*

I’m a size 6-8 and ordered a medium. My Unicorn hoodie a teeny bit snug, but 90% of the time I wear it as a long hoodie so the snug isn’t a problem.


*Yes, that is an affiliate link. I don’t take advertising on this site, so that’s how I make teeny, tiny amounts of money.

 

Yes, Uniqueern

Microblogging: Today’s look is brought to you by FuckItAll & @UrbanDecay

Crista Anne is Mighty

I am Mighty

Microblogging: Today’s look is brought to you by fuckitall & Urban Decay’s Smoked palette. (It’s on sale for $20 right now, I make no money if you buy one, but it’s totally worth it if you want fierce eyes.)

Not gonna lie, I’m a little stressed and really gorramn annoyed about a few things. So I’ve put on my “I am mighty” fierce eye-shadow. Makeup is art on my face, and sometimes a protective barrier. Today, it’s a bit of both.

Also my bra is pretty damn cute.

PS. Urban Decay should totally sponsor me between my endless rambling about them and the thread derailment on the Jezebel article. Just sayin.

Edited to add: I’ve decided to spend part of my afternoon with my Original Magic Wand working on #OrgasmQuest. Dressed as a unicorn (Uniqueern?)

As you do.

Yes, Uniqueern

Uniqueern?

#Confession: I don’t drive

That’s why.

Well, the above and because part of my migraine aura is loss of vision, but the above is incredibly accurate.

Actually, if you ever wanted to know what teenage Crista was like? Tina Belcher. So much so that watching Bob’s Burgers is painful from the waves of awkward memories.

Painfully awkward memories. Actual expression I make through 75% of the time through an episode.

Painfully awkward memories. Actual expression I make through 75% of the time through an episode.

Rainbow Hair Masterpost

It amuses me that thus far the most requested post for me to write from readers has been “How do you do your hair/how do you keep it so bright?” Amuses in a good way. As always, I’m here to help!

Rainbow Hair, backstory:

As a wee Crista, I was obsessed with Jem and the Holograms. I wanted to be Jem. I was going to grow up to be Jem. There was no dissuading me. (I think I’ve done an alright job at living up to that goal) Of course, I wanted pink hair. My Mother, in her infinite wisdom, told me that I could have pink hair when I was 17. Which shut wee Crista up. Little did she know, I remembered that promise. On my 17th birthday, I went out, bleached my hair, grabbed a bottle of Special Effects SFX Hair Color Hair Dye Atomic Pink, threw that shit on my head and BAM. Her Royal Pinkness was born. Upon showing it to my Mother, I reminded her of this promise, she almost passed out from laughter and that was that. My hair has been pink ever since. (The only real breaks in pink haired Crista were back in the before times when I had jobs that did not embrace my pinkness, or during pregnancies.) After half my life with “holy fuck that’s bright” hair, I’ve learned a number of tricks to making it last as long as possible.

Rainbow Hair Bleaching/Dye Tips:

  • Manic Panic dye is useless. Do not buy. Ever.
  • Special Effects is the best non-professional dye I’ve tried. N’rage
    is a mildly acceptable alternative.
  • When it comes to bleaching, I use Clairol 7th Stage Creme Lightener, Clairol Pro Lightening Activator
    and Clairol Professional Soy4plex Pure White Creme Hair Color Developer, 40 Volume. My natural hair color is a very dark brown with grey, those products have done the best job at lightening my hair to almost white without frying it beyond repair.
  • For application of both bleach and dye, I use a set of Silicone Basting Brushes.
  • Pre-bleaching, I let my hair get as oily as possible
  • For rinsing out the bleach, I use warm water
  • For rinsing out the color, I use the coldest water I can stand
  • After rinsing the color *mostly* out, I deep condition with ion repair solutions packets or the Hemp Conditioners. Packages usually say to leave on 5 minutes, I do 20-30 minutes.
  • I have dedicated Freshly Dyed Hair pillow cases/towels, so I tend to not completely wash the dye out. When I’m doing multiple colors at once that I want to mix, this allows the colors to blend together “naturally” over the next week or so.
  • Need to clean up dye drips? Nail polish remover. Works like a charm. To remove dye stains on skin, I use uberlube, because WHAT DOESN’T UBERLUBE FIX?!?

Keeping Your Hair Bright As Long as Possible:

  • I don’t wash my hair with shampoo. Ever. After 16 years, it’s trained to go long periods without turning into a grease helmet. If that’s just not something you’re able to do. Sexy Hair Big Sexy Hair Volumizing Dry Shampoo. If you must shampoo, go as long as you possibly can between washings. Add some color to your conditioner after.
  • Every ten days or so, I deep condition for 20-30 minutes.
  • I cold rinse my hair when needed. As a Mom to toddlers, that means I have sticky hands in my hair often, so I cold rinse to get the applesauce or banana bits out. (My life? It’s pure glamour)
  • Short hair is easier to maintain OMFG That’s Bright color. The few times I’ve had long (mid back) pink hair, I’ve only bleached the roots and then brushed color all the way down.
  • Every 3-5 years, I buzz everything off and start over again. That might not be something you are able/willing to do, but it’s worked for me. Val has a collection of my pink ponytails on his wall.

This is how I do “OMFG That’s Bright” hair, maybe you do it differently. If so – Please comment with your tricks! I’ll add them to this post with credit as they come in.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, I have no official training, these are the tips, tricks and hacks that I have picked up over 16 years of fucking with my hair at home. Your Mileage May Vary. Void where prohibited. Don’t sue me if these don’t work for you.