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Microblogging: Sometimes I need to hear this…

Sometimes this feels patronizing, sometimes these words are what I need to hear. If you need to hear them, here they are.

Photo credit: https://prisonerofptsd.wordpress.com/wellness-toolbox/support-from-others/toolbox_013_support_004/

Photo credit: https://prisonerofptsd.wordpress.com/wellness-toolbox/support-from-others/toolbox_013_support_004/

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Microblogging – Here, have a punch to the Feels

Here, have a punch to the feels.

I’ve not listened to this song for years. Yep, still makes me cry like I skinned my knee. (That’s legitimate tears, skinned knees are terrible.) [Lyrics can be found here.]

This brings up memories of being young in Wisconsin and Dallas, as well as someone I’ll never talk to again but will always have love for.

Life takes so many astonishing turns.

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Microblogging: My Letter to Monday

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Above meme reads: I gently pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled the last one out. It trembled at first and clung to my hand. “Go On, it will be OK”, I whispered.

Encouraged, it flexed its wings and I knew the time was right. It flew up towards the blue, blue sky and I looked on proudly as it made its way to freedom.

The last of my fucks was finally given.

(Nothing catastrophic has happened, it’s just been an utter clusterfuck of little stresses and I am *loopy* from lack of  sleep.)

Microblogging: Cosmo Threesome Tips!

24 Threesome Tips From Women Who Have Had Them

1. Communication is more important than anything else you do the whole night. “While I enjoy spontaneous sex, it’s vital that everyone has a similar set of expectations from the sexual encounter. Negotiate safer sex, comfort levels with different sexual acts, and be present with everyone involved as much as possible.” —Crista-Anne, 33

I’m a threesome connoisseur, so I was thrilled to share my tips and experiences with the incomparable Lane Moore & Cosmo.  These are 24 amusing and totally useful tips from some awesome people. Personally, I’m thrilled that they encompass more than just fluff or positions.

The Cosmo that arrives in my mail continues to be mostly painful trash, but Cosmo’s Sex & Relationships online impresses me more and more. Thanks to them for inviting me to chime in!

MicroBlogging: She Had Me At Unicorn Hustle

#AlwaysBeAUnicorn

#AlwaysBeAUnicorn

The other night Dr Drew’s show on HLN rebroadcast the #OrgasmQuest interview as part of a show on sex, which was mildly disorienting. A few folks on twitter thought it was live (understandably) and were tweeting at me about what “I had just said on TV”.  Now I am the first to admit that I can be a bit of a flake – I hardly remember what I said two hours ago – let alone a few weeks ago. Had to re-watch some of the segments to refresh myself. Opted not to argue with a few folks, and was a little annoyed until Avery Simone (@UnicornHustle) crossed my path. She’s a very fun follow and was kind enough to add a post on her site that’s delightful. Here’s Unicorn Hustle’s take on #OrgasmQuest!

The Only Pain Scale I Consider Legit, by @AllieBrosh

 

 

 

This is the only pain chart that I consider to be legit.  Thank you Hyperbole and a Half

This is the only pain chart that I consider to be legit. Thank you Hyperbole and a Half/ Allie Brosh

 

For those keeping score at home regarding my migraine…

We’ve moved from “I am actively being mauled by a bear.” to “I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.” which actually feels like a ton of relief after 5 hours at “actively mauled by a bear”. Which is something that I tried to whimper at XVO at one point but couldn’t make words actually happen. This is the only pain scale that should ever be used, for it is perfection.

My goal is to get to “my pain is super legit” so I can sleep, but I don’t know if that can happen. This is the worst migraine I’ve had since my first kid was about one and my menstrual cycle came back for the first time. This is a special kind of hell and I’d fork over my makeup hoard in a heartbeat to make it stop. Including the glitter eyeliners. 

When this ends I have the glorious “Moms Masturbate, Get The Fuck Over It” post to finish, plus what I believe to be an interesting #OrgasmQuest update, but I need to be capable of making coherent words first. Actually have no idea if this makes any kind of sense, but there you go. Can someone please teleport over with an IV full of enough drugs to put me in a coma?

Thanks.

Microblogging: My Unicorn Hoodie

For everyone who has asked about my unicorn hoodie, here it is!

You can get one here: Leg Avenue Women’s Cozy Unicorn*

I’m a size 6-8 and ordered a medium. My Unicorn hoodie a teeny bit snug, but 90% of the time I wear it as a long hoodie so the snug isn’t a problem.


*Yes, that is an affiliate link. I don’t take advertising on this site, so that’s how I make teeny, tiny amounts of money.

 

Yes, Uniqueern

Microblogging: Today’s look is brought to you by FuckItAll & @UrbanDecay

Crista Anne is Mighty

I am Mighty

Microblogging: Today’s look is brought to you by fuckitall & Urban Decay’s Smoked palette. (It’s on sale for $20 right now, I make no money if you buy one, but it’s totally worth it if you want fierce eyes.)

Not gonna lie, I’m a little stressed and really gorramn annoyed about a few things. So I’ve put on my “I am mighty” fierce eye-shadow. Makeup is art on my face, and sometimes a protective barrier. Today, it’s a bit of both.

Also my bra is pretty damn cute.

PS. Urban Decay should totally sponsor me between my endless rambling about them and the thread derailment on the Jezebel article. Just sayin.

Edited to add: I’ve decided to spend part of my afternoon with my Original Magic Wand working on #OrgasmQuest. Dressed as a unicorn (Uniqueern?)

As you do.

Yes, Uniqueern

Uniqueern?

Microblogging: Stop Worrying About Orgasms. Seriously.

Scrolling through my morning reading, a Kinkly post caught my eye: Stop Worrying About Orgasms. Seriously.

Reading through, exclamation points went off in my head: “This is much of what I was saying with my clarification to #OrgasmQuest post!!” In an excited that others were on the same wavelength way.

Then I got to the end and saw that it was written by JoEllen, and it all made sense. She and I continually ride the same mental wavelength. Here is a snippet, then you should go read the piece because I fucking love it.

Taking orgasm out of the equation lets you appreciate the entirety of the sexual experience, rather than stressing about whether everyone has orgasms or if the orgasms are the right kind or orgasms or if the orgasms are good enough. You can just enjoy yourselves. Then, when you’re done, you can just lie back and think, “We just had some sex. That was hot.”

Read The Rest

#Confession: I don’t drive

That’s why.

Well, the above and because part of my migraine aura is loss of vision, but the above is incredibly accurate.

Actually, if you ever wanted to know what teenage Crista was like? Tina Belcher. So much so that watching Bob’s Burgers is painful from the waves of awkward memories.

Painfully awkward memories. Actual expression I make through 75% of the time through an episode.

Painfully awkward memories. Actual expression I make through 75% of the time through an episode.

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Self Serve’s 8th Birthday!!

Which means free birthday presents all week!!

 Iroha Vibrator and bottle of uberlube

Win a Iroha Vibrator and bottle of uberlube!

Self Serve is an absolute treasure, I cannot stress enough how much I love and support everything they do. Matie Fricker and Hunter Gatherer Riley? *mwah* They are such assets to the world. Yes, I’m sharing this because I totally want this vibe/there is no such thing as having enough überlube. Also sharing because I love them. LOVE. When I have my own place, I’ll aim to have a space much like theirs.

Want to win today’s giveaway? Click the picture above or  go to Self Serve’s FB page and follow their simple directions. Easy peasy!

The last time I shared a giveaway, I did not win, but one of my friends who learned about it from me did. So! Good luck, if you win this instead of me – use it with love.

Crazed #cheesehead #selfie & What’s coming this week on CristaAnne

Ducky Doolittle gave me this lucky green and yellow dildo

Ducky Doolittle gave me this lucky green and yellow dildo

Finally, after my week from hell, I was able to sleep. Glorious, restorative sleep. Down to one child for a bit, the stress of juggling endless needs has been lifted. A brief lift, but I’ll take it. Any moment of downtime is cherished.

Then I watched a gloriously intense football game where I was able to scream at the TV as my Packers won. Beating the Cowboys in the playoffs actually lifted some of my childhood sadness, which is an odd post for another time. My cocky self took to twitter for postgame to yell at ESPN analysts. I Am Mighty! The thrill of being a woman who can school dudebros on the NFL is something that gives me life.

Now I am fending off a hormonal migraine. The usual solution to such is masturbatory orgasm, but as you will soon read in my extensive #OrgasmQuest Posts that will go out this week, masturbatory orgasm still eludes me. Going to try with the hitachi anyway, at the very least I’ll have a bit of pleasure again.

This coming week is all the Awards and Expos in LA, which I am sadly not attending this year. The money wasn’t there for such extravagance. While my friends and loves are having a grand time, while we have a low parenting mode, I am focusing my attention here. Cleaning up the site, fixing design elements I’m not thrilled with, and writing. Oh, the writing. Debating putting some of my inner thoughts out there that will ruffle feathers. We’ll see how I’m feeling. What you will see in the coming week is this:

  • Multiple #OrgasmQuest updates. Review of where I am almost a month into my Quest. First reviews of the Hitachi from Good Vibes and the Liberator Ramp from SheVibe. A list of items I’d appreciate adding to my arsenal. Importantly – a stand alone clarification of what #OrgasmQuest means to me and why this is much more than chasing orgasms or engaging in goal oriented sex.
  • Updates to #Selfies with a shout out to what Lauren Marie Fleming is doing with #BawdyLove.
  • A requested post from readers about my hair. How I manage vivid color and my process. You asked for it, I’m pleased to share.
  • Shameless self promotion as #OrgasmQuest hits Carnalcopia and the Philadelphia City Paper.
  • An expanded explanation and hopefully the start of a boarder conversation on why I now call myself a “Progressive Pleasurist“.

Finally, while I was away from “proper blogging”, I fell in love with tumblr. I enjoy microblogging a great deal, so there will be many random short posts on random things I stumble upon through out my day. It’s fun for me, but also easier to continue having content when nearly all my attention is focused on parenting.

So, that’s that my dears. I’m off to do various work across the spheres of my life. Hope that your weekend was wonderful, though if you’re a forlorn Cowboys fan…I’ll be honest. Your pain delights me.

xoh